LawyerLow Diaries

I really do love a Sunday. Usually laid back, an easy excuse for some bacon and eggs for breakfast and plenty of time to play with my kids.For the second day running it was nearly 8am before the darlings surfaced, and I tell you I clung onto every second! I know it won’t last. We then spent part of the morning catching up on last night’s BGT and I was delighted to see Jon Courtenay win his semi final. He was amazing when I met him on the QM2 and clearly still is!So on a lazy day, what made the top 5?

1. My amazing wife rustled up a lovely cooked breakfast for us all. Some of us were more patient than others however. When E came out with the line “Why can I smell sausages but there are no sausages in front of me?” I thought hers might end up in the bin but perhaps Steph is more understanding of the lack of a filter our children have.

2. I managed to nip out for a quick 5k run just to blow the cobwebs away. Unfortunately my route was blocked by a farmer’s gate and a mud bath but perhaps this is how it’s going to be as the weather changes. Unbelievably I’m now starting to look at other possible running challenges just to keep the motivation going. Colder weather and darker nights make it far too easy to stay indoors!

3. After a ridiculous amount of procrastination we finally tackled the piles and boxes of craft stuff which have been littered around our bedroom. It’s amazing how satisfying it is to tick something off your to do list, let alone something that has been on the list for an age. This led to E wanting to do some craft things with her Mammy which was lovely. Her masterpiece was a hand drawn picture of us getting married. I have no idea what her inspiration was but she is insistent that we have to keep it all the time. Forever and ever. I suppose it might grow on us.

4. This afternoon we had a visit from Dr E and her somewhat unpredictable assistant, M. I was very quickly rushed into the surgery whilst my vitals were checked and I was given warm hugs to improve my condition. My diagnosis was pretty serious. A scratch on my tongue and a bumpy nipple – both potentially life threatening, or so I was told. There were a variety of treatments available including medicine and amputation – I’m sure it’s possible to live with only one nipple…

5. The chatterbox that is my son continues to develop his talking. He was playing a matching game all by himself and found a piece showing a boy playing football. He matched it and then just shouted “football!” Of course he won’t repeat it when we ask him now but he definitely said it. I feel most sorry for the staff at the nursery – he doesn’t stop yabbering at the best of times but I guess that makes up for his super quiet sister.

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My Saturday chore list was bulging this morning and wasn’t helped by the long lie our little darlings granted us. You need to seize the opportunities presented so it wasn’t exactly a bright and early start. After sorting out the kitchen and the ironing and the washing up etc things seemed to slow down a little and it ended up being quite a chilled afternoon and evening.The kids were in great form after a good night’s sleep and were incredibly happy and smiley all day. You feel you can take on anything when you have those two kicking around, no matter what life throws at you. Before Saturday becomes Sunday, I’ll run through today’s top 5, which are all things I found myself doing at various points during the last 24 hours and had to double take.

1. Cutting up hot dogs to put in the Mac and cheese. I was left to my own devices when rustling up some lunch for everyone and opted for a bit of pasta. I stumbled across a tin of hot dogs and before I knew it I was chopping them up to mix in, just to satisfy the kids. Such delicacies are just a perk of parenthood. Apparently.

2. Dancing in the lift. We popped to the shops and whilst the girls whipped around Sainsburys, the boys headed to Next. As we were hoping the boy was going to have a nap (false hope of course) he was in the pushchair so we had to use the lift to go upstairs. Coronavirus rules mean we had to be in there by ourselves and because there was a mirror we decided to have a bit of a boogie. We stopped just before the doors opened but it had occurred to me that there might have been CCTV in there.

3. Watching Frozen 2 and realised I was singing along to the soundtrack with concerning knowledge of a lot of the words. Perhaps it comes with the territory of having two small children but I really need to be careful not to let on to the wider public that I have quite so much Frozen knowledge!

4. Picking bunchems out of a My Little Pony’s mane for about an hour after E thought it was a good idea to combine those two toys. If you are lucky enough not to understand what I’m talking about then please don’t ask. Embrace the ignorance! Apparently my hard work counts for nothing as the pony is just going in the bin – wish I’d been told that before I wasted part of my day!

5. Shouting “don’t kick your sister in the head” at M. It seems to be a regular utterance which really isn’t a good thing and I’ve been paying a bit more attention to the phrases I am using. I think if someone was just outside and listening in, they would be very worried about what was going on. Other classics today included: “Get your finger out of my bum crack”, “Do NOT poo on me” and “Stop licking the TV”.

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Well the finish line has been crossed and we can chalk up another week. The kids are very excited about the forthcoming weekend. I have no idea why as we have no plans, except apparently for Daddy/daughter playtime with the Sylvanian families. I can’t wait!For a bit of a change I thought today’s top 5 should be lessons I have learnt. Every day a school day, even for daddies!

1. Once the heating goes on, there’s no turning back. It’s only going to get colder and your wife gets far too comfortable. It’s only the second day and already the temperature setting is getting higher with poor M getting the blame. I didn’t know he was that skilled with the settings!

2. If you suddenly decide you want a packed lunch rather than school dinners you just plonk yourself on the toilet shortly before leaving the house and start having a poo. That way you might miss the cut off and force your parents to sort you a packed lunch instead. You may be thwarted in this plan by your mother wiping your bum for you and throwing you into the car.

3. I’ve somehow turned into that parent who gets really excited to pick his little boy up from nursery. Very unexpectedly this afternoon I got a little giddy pulling into the car park and that feeling only got stronger when he appeared, charged towards me shouting “Daddy” and gave me a massive hug! Clearly I’m just as sloppy as ever.

4. My offsprings’ stomachs are bottomless pits that will never ever be filled no matter what is tipped into them. Tonight’s special was crisps and hummus which they fought over in true sibling style. If this is what they are like at 5 and 2, what about when they are 15 and 12? I’ve decided I need to start a food fund now rather than a university fund!

5. I really need to pay more attention to the detail of my child’s homework. After spending all week making sure E could recognise and clearly say all the words written out in her homework book I was shocked to find that she had only managed 60% in today’s test. It was only then that I read the top of the list to see that it was all about spelling the words and not just saying them. How many times had I told people to “read the question carefully!” I’m now mortified that I’m holding back my child’s education – must try harder!

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After the excitement (if that’s the right word) of the last couple of days, today was a tad dull. And I don’t just mean the horrible weather.It has felt like a really long week already, and we still have another day to go before we can crawl over the finish line. Chin up – we’ve made it this far!I’m definitely heading for an early night so a bitesize top 5 for you to enjoy for a change.

1. My wife is delighted that I’ve succumbed to her pressure and switched the heating on today. It’s much earlier than normal as I just tell her to put a jumper on, but even I was cold this morning so it seems justified. I hope she realises she’s only getting it one day a week though.

2. I was lucky enough to do the school run this morning and engaged in more surreal conversations with my daughter. Today was all about her expectations for the day. Pretty low I think. Beating the boys at running races seemed to be her main ambition, closely followed by her hopes for a tasty lunch. She hasn’t quite connected the concept of learning to attending school, but hopefully it will sink in before she reaches 16.

3. M had a lovely day with his Mammy, completing every jigsaw in the house inbetween lots of cuddles. His love of numbers continues and they seem to be his favourite words to say. The problem is that when we tell him off and count to three, he just joins in counting and keeps going to 10. Do we congratulate him and reward him for his counting, or be angry that he’s not sat on the naughty step by number 3? This parenting malarkey is far from simple.

4. Thursday nights see the weekly bin run to the top of the street and once again E insisted on joining me. We seemed to choose the exact moment of the heaviest rain as we struggled up with the overflowing glass box. It seems we’ve gone through quite a few bottles in the last fortnight, or at least that was the observation made by my eldest. If only she knew who was the main cause….

5. After getting the kids ready for bed, and crossing our fingers for an early night, they both suddenly decided to start playing chefs. They actually played really nicely together, which was a joy to watch even though I’ll confess to some clock watching. After cake, bread and a weird cup of tea with a sausage in it, we finally convinced them to head to bed!

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Sheer relief! After 24 hours of self isolation we had the wonderful news that Steph’s coronavirus test was negative. Suffice to say it took me no time at all to pack the kids into the car and deliver them to school and nursery! I’m not sure who was most delighted about their return. I suspect it was me.The prospect of 14 days of self isolation is certainly not enticing so I, for one, will be continuing to do whatever I can to avoid that happening. Fingers crossed this is the closest we will come to it. Stay safe everyone. Back to today, and we’ll rattle through the top 5:

1. I found myself very perplexed by the state of my son this morning. First he had 11 pieces of his Frozen jigsaw hidden in his bed, which perhaps partly explained why I found him last night fast asleep on his floor, lying on top of his jigsaws. Surely not as comfortable as a cuddly toy! Second his pyjama bottoms were both inside out and back to front. Now I got him ready for bed last night and they were definitely the right way round, so I can only surmise that he took them off during the night and then put them back on himself. What on earth is he up to?

2. We were delighted to be able to tell E that Mammy didn’t have coronavirus as she was very concerned. The reassurance was very welcome. She asked why Steph was still coughing but I just explained that it was something else as she had been for a test. My daughter then explained that we needed to be very careful and perhaps I should contact the government to make sure it was okay for her to return to school. Or apparently the police. Or indeed the queen. Those are seemingly the only people or bodies who can tell us what to do. Now where’s that direct line to Boris?

3. In the car on the way to school I impressed upon E the importance of not making a big deal about being off and whatever she did not to start talking about “Mammy having coronavirus” because she doesn’t. I thought I had made my point but sadly not. From what I’ve managed to find out after picking her up, her entire class will have gone home and told their parents that E’s mammy has a bad cough, is in bed and has coronavirus.

4. When we pulled up on the drive we discovered that our poor mole statue outside has suffered a fatal accident. I’m not sure if the bin thief is back and is branching out but somehow there has been a double amputation. I did wonder if he had just fallen over but it must have been quite a bump to cause such irreparable damage. E is concerned that there is a criminal out there targeting garden gnomes and animals – who knows what might be next. She’ll be wanted security cameras installed to protect her fairy garden if I’m not careful. I’ve reassured her that the fairies are more than capable of looking after themselves!

5. Both kids were high as kites when they got home tonight and basically trashed everything. The old karaoke machine was taken out and we had a bit of a kitchen disco whilst the tea was cooking. We even had time to sneak in a little game of musical statues. I tried to rattle through the bedtime routine after that but E was determined to “go slow”. When I tried to get her to get herself changed she nonchalantly informed me that I’m not the boss of her. I confirmed I really was, but she retorted that the queen is the boss. And I need to be careful about saying anything different otherwise there will be “consequences”. This apparently includes banning me from London. I don’t know where all this royal chat is coming from!

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Well today didn’t exactly turn out as planned, as I had a tad more childcare to contend with than normal. Steph has been locked away upstairs so it was down to me to kept the terrors entertained. It turns out I now need to start working from home if I can, so thank goodness I hadn’t moved back into the office already! So basically carry on as normal. Hopefully normal service resumes tomorrow as I don’t think I have the energy for a repeat of today!So what made the top 5?

1. Looking after the kids is unbelievably challenging as they just seem to find things to do which they shouldn’t. Pouring water all over the sofa cushions. Squeezing blueberries into the carpet. Smearing snot onto the tv screen. I mean you literally can’t turn your back for a second! I’m sure this will sound familiar to other parents and I certainly feel your pain. I’ve learnt to be particularly wary of periods of silence as nothing ever good is happening. Unless they are both asleep, which as I write has only just happened as M has been partying in his room for hours after being put to bed!

2. We have been told that M has already established a very regular routine at nursery, napping for just over an hour straight after lunch. So I decided to try and maintain that and put him in his pushchair but he was definitely not impressed. He screamed and screamed and tried very hard to break free. So I took him out and tried the carrot approach with lots of cuddles and showing him his nursery rhyme videos which had worked in the past. Still no luck so I ended up putting him back in the pushchair and out we went into the garden. After walking in circles for ages he finally went down and I brought him in and lay him on the couch. Nearly 3 hours later I managed to wake him up. No wonder he didn’t want to go to bed tonight!!!

3. I’ve been making a real effort with E and her homework, particularly her daily reading. She is definitely getting there but is so interested in the pictures that it distracts her from the words she is supposed to be reading. This afternoon we tackled some short stories which sought to take on some of the key societal issues including a game of hide and seek, a cook making a salad, a family clearing out some junk and a fox with a very strange relationship with a cardboard box. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow’s reading material has in store for us!

4. I had a very interesting conversation with E over the dinner table. She was talking about what food various animals eat so I asked her what unicorns eat. It turns out that they eat clouds! Her very next sentence was an explanation that last year she had seen her cousin W in the car eating unicorn snot. I genuinely had no idea what she was talking about, or even what she was getting confused about. Perhaps I’ll just put it down to an overactive imagination!

5. When putting E to bed she asked me to find her telescope on her floor. She told me it was next to the penguin. I searched everywhere and the only thing next to the penguin was a stethoscope. Of course that’s what she meant! When I handed it up to her she used it to check the chest of one of her stuffed animals. Apparently her heart had stopped. I played along as feigned shock whilst asking her what she could do to fix the patient. Quick as a flash she said that she would need to put her hand down the throat to fix her. I suggested that might not be wise, so she then said she was joking and she needed to put her hand up the bum instead!! Well there’s another potential future profession struck off the list!

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Today was our second day without “informal childcare support” following our return to lockdown, but clearly someone is listening to our anguished cries and now the rules have changed yet again. It wasn’t such a big deal today anyway as both were in their respective childcare settings and apparently had great days.
It was also a gorgeous sunny day, something of a novelty in late September! Not that I saw much of it as I was chained to my laptop, but I did get to pick both kids up so that was a nice Daddy job.
Right, here we go with the top 5:

1. Today is my big sister’s birthday and sadly her planned trip to visit us had to be postponed because of the latest lockdown restrictions. Instead E picked some online presents to send, none of which have arrived in time. Perhaps my diary should be changed today to #BrothersInTheBadBooks. I’m not really though as a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday from E over FaceTime seemed to do the trick. Shame it was a nude performance (immediately post bath) but I guess that didn’t affect the vocals. 🎁 
2. E had her first reading book from school for this academic year and insisted on reading it to me in the car on the way home from pick up. It had a story all about a chef “cooking” a salad. When she worked this out she announced that she had some salad for lunch. As usual I asked if she ate any, expecting the standard answer. But to my surprise she said she had – a carrot and 2 pieces of cucumber. At the time I was full of praise for her trying healthy foods, but upon reflection I’m a tad concerned they are treating her like a rabbit. I don’t mind the water bottle particularly but the cage is a tad extreme! 🐇 
3. After the success of last night’s family dinner, we decided for a repeat tonight and tried to find something we would all enjoy. I ended up cooking pasta and sauce and garlic bread which actually worked out really well for most of us. E announced that the pasta was “sensational” and she wants it every night this week. Sadly M was not so keen and just wanted to eat the garlic bread and cheese. I did put a piece of pasta on his fork but he just flicked it off, back onto his plate and causing a splat in the tomato sauce which flew all the way over to mark Mammy’s top. Oh how we laughed! Well, three of us did… 😆
4. After spending the whole evening asking for a hot chocolate, you would think E would be happy when Mammy made her an extra special one complete with marshmallows and squirty cream. But no. Just like Goldilocks it was too hot then it was too milky then it was too big. I ended up just telling her to get on and drink it but she insisted I try it first to check it wasn’t going to burn her. I did, and it was fine. She then tried to argue that it was too hot for her. When I asked why, she explained that “I have smaller lips. And a bigger brain.” I genuinely didn’t realise the two things were connected but I guess it explains my humongous lips! 👄 
5. After missing last week, I went back to find my zen tonight with my weekly yoga session. I still can’t work out if I’m improving at any of it and my lack of flexibility continues to frustrate me but part of it is all about setting aside time for yourself and clearing your mind. With two delightful terrors and a somewhat contentious job, that is in itself an achievement. Oh and my warrior pose feels really strong. Perhaps I just need to channel that energy back into my day job tomorrow! 🧘‍♂️

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A day of deformed carrots and impaled Yorkshire puddings. What more could a man ask for? The tiredness from last night resulted in a brilliant long lie in every room this morning. I took that as a sign it was going to be a fantastic day, and so it proved to be.
Sundays always seem to get faster and faster as the inevitable start of the working week hurtles towards us. But I’m the eternal optimist and am therefore sure it’ll be a good one. It will only take until 10.30am tomorrow to correct that nonsense!
Right, here we go with the top 5:

1. I have to start with my DIY escapades and attempt to fix our washing machine. I can’t help but feel that in most other households it wouldn’t have been a big deal at all, but here it was an operation with military precision including a trip to B&Q with E. I am delighted to report that all went incredibly well and the leak has been stopped, water hose replaced and everything plumbed back in. It even works! Fingers crossed there isn’t a second act to this particular play. 🔧
2. I decided to head out for my first run of the week this morning. Obviously I’d picked the first rainy day of the week because nothing blows the cobwebs away like a run in the rain! It was actually pretty good although a tad strange not having a challenge or goal to aim for. I guess I could just relax and “enjoy” it although that doesn’t seem to be quite the right word. I did get to wear my new GNR top which brought a smile to my face. Definitely rather do a 5k than a half marathon! 🏃‍♂️ 
3. Whilst our Sunday dinner was being prepared I witnessed one of the most effective and intimidating interrogations imaginable. It wasn’t even on tv! It started with a message on the school mums group about one of E’s classmates having cut her fringe. Apparently there had been some issues at school with the kids using scissors inappropriately which we knew nothing about. Before I knew it Mammy had broken E and confessions came tumbling out. She’s tried to cut her dress but it was too thick. She lent her scissors to someone else to cut their hair. She’s actually cut her own hair. I mean the FBI would have been proud – there was certainly no “good cop” involved. Suffice to say the law has now been laid down. ✂️ 
4. We had a gorgeous Sunday dinner together and it was nice to sit as a family. Steph continues to produce amazing Yorkshire puddings! As soon as she finished E immediately asked for pudding and we were explaining that not every meal, every day needs to have a pudding at the end. She seems to get a lot of sweet so we said to her that we’d start reducing when she has pudding and maybe just have one a day. Knowing that she gets pudding as part of her school dinners, she immediately said that she’d speak to her teacher and say she wouldn’t have puddings at lunchtime. Bless her, clearly her home puddings are better (or bigger, or sweeter!) Of course she ended up having a mince pie tonight – new eating rules always come in on a Monday remember! 🥧 
5. I was trying to get the little man ready for bed and his running nose continued to be a problem. I shouted over and asked E to bring a tissue which she did with only a little protest!
“But why Daddy?”
“So I can clean his nose.”
“But I clean my nose by eating my snot. It tastes lovely.”
“That’s disgusting sweetie. You should use a tissue.”
“But I need to do it Daddy so I can clear my nose out so there’s more space for new bogies.”
Help me!!!!! 🤧

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A somewhat less productive day than hoped but fundamentally a lazy Saturday certainly isn’t the end of the world! It didn’t start particularly well when both children came and joined us in bed during the night. I tried to turf E out when she just stood in the darkness by the bed demanding a cuddle like some creepy horror movie scene but that was only a temporary reprieve. 
The whole house is exhausted this evening so I’m afraid you’re only getting an abridged list of the top 5 (hurray I hear you cheer!):

1. M took a tumble. Thinking he might be the next big thing for British Gymnastics, the little man did a double somersault down the stairs and managed to carpet burn his nose. He’s fine, don’t worry, but I’ve never known him to have quite so many cuddles! 🤸‍♀️ 
2. Everyone loves cake. E and I took a trip to Blackberries Patisserie to stock up on some goodies. The problem with that amazing shop is that I can never choose, so once again walked out with cakes, brownies and scones! E picked a rainbow cake pot which has disappeared incredibly quickly. I don’t think she cared it was even in a pot. Cake is cake! 🍰
3. I hate lists! There was a big tidy up event going on all day as Mammy tried to take control of the situation. We were all given our individual jobs to complete so a large part of my Saturday involved ironing. The bedrooms look amazing but no doubt will be trashed by 6.30am tomorrow. These new restrictions are definitely making it more difficult to have trips out so I guess I’d bette get used to my chores! 🧼 
4. What Tour de France? With the smallest amount of arm twisting, E came with me for a bike ride in the late afternoon sun. For a change it was completely uneventful. No crashes, no injuries, no nothing. Just the usual constant chatter and a little pit stop at half way. She did at one point yell “eat my dust Daddy!” as she sped past me much to the amusement of the dog walker a few steps ahead for us. I suppose uneventful is good, and certainly safe, so long may that continue! 🚲 
5. Manly jobs for manly men. The big task today was to try to get to the bottom of the water leak in the kitchen. I developed a very simple (and let’s be honest basic) process of elimination to see whether the sink, dishwasher or washing machine was to blame. I determined it was the dishwasher but I was wrong. I have however managed to disconnect the washing machine and stop the leak so I’m taking that as a win. Now, where can we wash out clothes during an increasingly stringent lockdown? 😫

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Woop Woop!! It’s the weekend! We might not be able to go anywhere or do anything but a weekend is still a weekend. 
A last minute change to childcare plans was needed as a result of yesterday’s announcement and M went to enjoy a bonus day at nursery. It so happened to be all about the mud kitchen so he was as happy as a pig in….
It’s been a long week so lets get into the top 5:

1. So Steph took E to school and there was a bit of chat at first but then E fell quiet. After a couple of minutes Steph asked if everything was ok given how unusual it is for her to be quiet for more than 3 seconds. Her reply was:
“Well Mammy I have a lot going on in my head”
Mammy panics, thinking what on earth is going on in her head! So she asked “what’s going on in your head?”
“Well Mammy, I think about Vamparina”
“Oh, what about it?” *breathes a sigh of relief* “Are you thinking about one of the episodes?” 
“Yes Mammy, I can see it if I close my eyes *pauses* oh now Aristocats has started now” 
Does this count as screen withdrawal symptoms? 📺 
2. After pick up Steph asked E what she did at school today. 
“Well, I can’t remember *pause* actually we had toothless today.”
“Toothless? Like from how to train your dragon?”
“Yes.”
“Did you watch a movie?”
“No, he was a teddy and went around all the desks.”
“And could you touch it?”
“Yes, but he doesn’t like loud noises so you have to be quiet.”
“Miss Houghton is a genius!”
“What a genius Mammy?”
“Miss Houghton, she very clever isn’t she!” 🤫
3. So tonight the kids were having their tea and while I was discussing the effects of too much salt to E, M decided he would like something to drink. So Mammy decided to try and get him to sound the words out so she said to him say,
“More”
“Moooore” 
“Juice”
“Uice” 
“Please”
“Ese”
“More juice please”
“No” 🤣
4. While Mammy was getting the juice for M, I was onto the effects of sugar to E. Suddenly M grabbed a tissue. He then proceeded to wipe his nose and then tried to put it back into the box. I told him no, and explained it goes into the bin. To our amazement he then got down off his chair and put it in the bin saying “bye bye”. Super proud parent moment and perhaps there is hope for him. He then of course wiped his next snot onto the back of his hand before smearing it all over the couch, and normal service was resumed! 🤧
5. Midweek drinking is still a thing in our house but we have been trying really hard to behave and keep any overindulgence to the weekend. That meant that 5pm couldn’t come soon enough today and before I knew it I was passed a gin based French Martini. Now I’m not a cocktail kind of guy, but it was really lush. It was only when I was slurping down number 2 than my wife revealed each one had a quadruple gin in it. That was a few hours ago now and a few more have been made so I’d better sign off now… speak quietly in the morning please 🤪

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