LawyerLow Diaries

So here we are again. Another day in lockdown is complete and there are still no bodies under the Low patio…. for now. I suspect my wife is very close to snapping but she is hiding it well. If these updates stop or if they start sounding a bit more feminine please send help although it might be too late as my wife is pretty efficient!
Today was F day so all about Flowers. In reality it involved a lot of catching up from Eggs day. We did however do some flower pressing and some flower spotting when out for our Government sanctioned exercise. What is my life coming to when I’m posting on Facebook about going flower spotting?!? M did a great job helping Steph with her work today and was not a distraction at all! 🤥
Top 5 observations for today:

1. How special are trips to the supermarket? They are such a highlight of the week it is ridiculous. This is especially so with the enforced one adult only rule which means I have to go by myself. At one point I did find myself sitting in the middle of the bread aisle (which was empty of course- of people and bread) just savouring the silence. 🍞 
2. When we left for our lunchtime walk we stumbled upon a sadly rigid bird on the street lying on its back with both legs sticking up. E was intrigued but also slightly disgusted. Upon our return I was relieved to see it was gone, presumably consumed by one of the neighbouring cats. E was relieved to see that it was no longer poorly and must have flown off! 🐦 
3. Never in my professional life have I ever used the same word in discussions with clients so frequently having never ever uttered it before. #Furlough 👨‍⚖️ 
4. E climbing into our bed at 2.15am is not okay even if we weren’t in this situation and already exhausted. To be fair it’s not her getting in with us which is the problem but rather the way she then takes over the entire bed. How can someone so little starfish so widely? How and why does she rotate 90 degrees but always clockwise so she just puts her feet in my face? And how can that be more comfortable than staying in her whole roomy bed? And then the audacity of her to play mummies and babies this afternoon and telling M to get back into his (homemade) bed. The irony was not lost on us! 🥱
5. I am very VERY excited about the date tomorrow. Heaven help my family being trapped in a house with me on that day of all days…. 📆

• 

• 

• 

It’s a late post I know, and sorry to those waiting up for their daily hit but it’s been a LONG day! It’s also been a day of reflection, making sure I took some time to mark Sharky’s birthday – can’t believe I’m still running in his memory!
Ultimately it is 13th day of this new insane world we now live in and unlucky for some. By some, I mean my wife and I and by unlucky, I mean we’re parents. Don’t get me wrong I love my little cherubs so much but their ability to push the wrong buttons at the wrong time is uncanny. I am genuinely worried my head might explode.
We are onto our sixth day of #HomeSchooling and somehow we are back to the letter E. Apparently we didn’t do enough about Eggs on Friday so we had to repeat today 🙄 Worst decision of my life was giving up chocolate for Lent this year so couldn’t even share the joy of chocolate eggs with E! It will all be fine a week on Friday though 🐷 🍫 !! She has picked tomorrow to be Flowers day so look out for the photos of me skipping through fields of daisies.
Anyway, what were the highlights of today?

1. “Daddy, you’re more like a brother to me!”
“What do you mean E? I’m your Daddy not your brother!”
“You can be both. It’s just how things are in Ushaw Moor!” 😲
2. Apparently I’m a complete weirdo for having never watched Saving Private Ryan – I mean I don’t have time to watch ever new release within 3 months of them coming out! 🇺🇸 
3. Reading chapter 3 of The BFG to your 5 year old just before bed (entitled The Snatch) is not conducive to an easy bedtime 🥺
4. I always knew running was not my wife’s forte but to be genuinely out-sprinted by a one year old takes that to a whole new level! 🤣
5. “Daddy, I’ll be your assistant. That means I’ll just tell you what to do and you can get on with decorating the eggs and then I can go and watch CBeebies” 🙅🏼‍♂️

Well, another day completed and we are all still going strong. Lockdown as a concept isn’t much fun but with my housemates there’s never a dull moment! With that in mind my top 5 today are all about my kids and their shenanigans today (which will be a source of much relief to my wife who is getting very concerned about how she is presented in these posts). 
I should add that I’m very touched by the private (and public) messages I’ve had over the last 12 days about my posts. I’m flattered, but you really need to get out more…. 😜

1. Finally managed to get out for a proper run but Dr E was clearly concerned for my wellbeing upon my return. Presumably this was because I picked the morning it SNOWED to go out! I mean is my brain getting scrambled already making decisions like that or maybe I just needed to get out of this mad house?!? ❄️ 
2. Bath time. Why bath in a bath when you can bath in a shower? I know! Because the water drains away. Don’t be silly daddy – we’ll just block the drain and then it’s just like a bath. Ok whatever. I need to pick my battles… 🚿 
3. I’ve mentioned before that school night drinking is permitted (nay, encouraged) in a lockdown situation. This does not change the usual rules about weekend drinking except for the fact my son seems to think he is included. A bottle of vodka you say? At least he didn’t touch his Mammy’s gin otherwise there really would have been hell on! 🍸 
4. E made Owl Ice Cream today. Yes, you read that right. The good old trusty Gruffalo cookbook. Lots of banana and other fruit in there so definitely counts as a healthy snack but boy was it a pain in the backside catching the owl last night. I’m joking, it was actually a hoot. 🦉 
5. So, E has a Mary costume from last year’s school nativity play. We had no idea she’d dug it out of the back of the wardrobe today until we hear her coming down the stairs dragging M with her and calling him “Joseph” and telling him to keep up as they needed to get to the stable quickly. I’m just waiting to see whether I land the part of a shepherd, a wise man or more likely… 😇

• 

• 

• 

So apparently it’s the weekend. I genuinely completely forgot and sat with E this morning and did 4 pages of maths and a bunch of reading before my wife asked what on earth I was doing! Clearly I pretended I wasn’t an idiot and was deliberately doing some weekend #HomeSchooling in my capacity as a pushy parent. 
Some very dangerous precedents were set today which do not bode well for the rest of lockdown:
1. E spent the entire day in her PJs. It dawned on me that with the guarantee of no visitors and no prospect of going anywhere there is little point in getting dressed. It also makes for a quicker preparation for naked dancing! 🕺🏼 
2. I jumped in the family car to do an essential shop and it won’t start. The battery is dead. Did I do anything? No. Why bother. It will probably just sit there until the end of lockdown. 🚗 
3. Managed to get the essentials from Sainsburys (using my car) which was an incredibly weird experience. Patient and respectful queuing outside, empty inside yet 8 people walked within 2m of me! A trip to the shops is now genuinely a highlight of the week just so I can be outraged. 🛒 
4. Sadly M was up vomiting all night, hence a very tired household today. Not a funny tale I grant you but it did mean a very early start to using the washing machine. That momentum was kept up and now for the first time ever there is not a single piece of dirty washing in the house. What on earth are we going to do tomorrow now? 🧺
5. We have let ours little angels draw all over the garden walls, patio slabs and wooden borders with chalk all week on the basis it would wash off in the rain. It rained today. It has not washed off. 😱

• 

Regular readers will be pleased to hear that things are looking up. The sun shone, the birds sang and I realised at around 7.30pm that it was Friday. This lockdown is like Twixmas – no one has the foggiest idea what day of the week it is. It’s either a day we need to go shopping or else a day we don’t. That’s about it really. 
There has been a delayed ovulation and Eggs Day didn’t really happen apart from the scrambled eggs for breakfast. Like most things during lockdown so far, we started with the best of intentions. Perhaps we will have an Eggs Weekend instead. Hang on, that’s in a fortnight isn’t it?!?
Anyhoo, my day was (all always) brightened by my delightful children. Here’s a selection of crackers from today:
1. “Daddy, I’m not watching this bit of Octonauts; it’s too scary” (whilst sitting and continuing to watch Octonauts which I swear has no scary bits) 🐙 
2. “Daddy, can M and me stay and play with the elephants whilst you’re on your really important conference call? We’ll be quiet, I promise” (whilst screaming at each other) 🐘 
3. “Daddy, do you really have a dress so we can go out together matching?” (yes, yes I do!!!) 👗 
4. “Daddy, boys are really lucky as they can just take their willy out in the woods and have a wee” (yes, yes they are!!!) 🌳 
5. “Ahhhhhhhhhhh” (this one was M tonight as he stood up in the bath, gave me a wicked grin and proceeded to wee everywhere) 😏

• 

• 

• 

All is not well in the Low household. Maybe it is possible to have too much of a good thing! Cracks are appearing but to be honest I’m pleasantly surprised it’s lasted this long. Anyway, enough about our garden paving and onto today’s exploits. 
D was for Dinosaurs today so we had Andy’s Prehistoric Adventures, cave painting (think that’s the wrong historical period though) and some good old fashioned learning from books. Tomorrow has already been designated as Egg day…
Anyway, I was super grouchy today and so here’s 5 things that really annoyed me today:
1. My daughter 👧🏼 
2. My son 👦 
3. My wife 👩 
4. People blocking the pavement making it impossible to comply with social distancing guidelines – I mean are you seriously expecting me to cross the road? 😡
5. People posting perfect posts about their home schooling achievements – I know the reality actually involves tantrums, partial nudity, bodily functions, too much screen time and unhealthy snacks. But hey, I married her…. 👰

Well apparently we are over the hump for this week but given I have no clue what day of the week it is, I’m not sure whether that is possible.
For Day 3 (C) of #HomeSchooling we plumped for Cake which ended up being kind of obvious. It did mean Steph had to go to Sainsbury’s for essential supplies as permitted by BJ. So what made my top 5 for today?

1. How can anyone possibly for go “essentials”, spend £150 but not buy ANY alcohol and instead turn up with things like fresh rosemary and a huge box of mini meringues? 🤷🏼‍♂️
2. Why does E think she can wander around with a (toy) phone glued to her ear telling me to “be quiet” and “this is an important call” 📱
3. The nudity in this house is really ramping up now (especially nude dancing) so I’m getting very concerned about our reputation with the neighbours 🕺🏼 
4. The banana loaf my family made is lush but I’ve now managed to eat most of it and feel sick. 🤢 
5. Snacking whilst working at home is far too easy. I went to the fridge this afternoon and it groaned and said “What now?!?” 🍩

Right we are onto “D” tomorrow – I’m thinking Daddy Day where we just bring Father’s Day forward but any better ideas out there?

• 

• 

• 

Well today was all about Birds for the purposes of #HomeSchooling. A bit of education, a bit of feeding and a bit of spotting for E. Oh and some lad/dad time teaching M all about the “birds” and how they are always right! Any suggestions for tomorrow for the letter C very welcome…

Some observations from today to share:
1. Who taught my son that brushing his teeth actually meant sucking on his toothbrush, then brushing his hair with it and then sticking it up his nose? 🦷 
2. Daddy must remember to get E to visit the toilet before going for our lunchtime walk to avoid the unceremonious pulling down of trousers in the middle of the path for a tinkle! 🚽 
3. 6.45pm on Day 7 is definitely NOT the right time to ask your parents “So, who actually is God?” 🤨
4. Stumbling across a huge dead rat in the garden is right up there with the biggest internal conflicts in my life (wanting to puke v being big brave daddy!) 🐀 
5. I’ve had my first experience with both children bursting into my home office whilst I’m on the phone – need to remember not to say “why are you naked” next time… 😳

Well, first day of #HomeSchooling combined with #RemoteWorking and we are all still alive but only just! We started with the letter A (for adventure) with Daddy doing the spelling and reading and Steph was all over the maths tuition! After the big BJ announcement tonight I have given my own address to my household setting out the new rules so we can survive lockdown:
1. The ban on weeknight drinking is hereby immediately lifted 🍷 
2. Wine and beer shall forthwith fall within the definition of “essential supplies” 🍺 
3. We shall henceforth say a daily prayer thanking all teachers for choosing that profession despite what they must go through on a daily basis 🙏🏻 
4. Every household shall be allocated a “little monster” who, like my son, shall be used as a weapon to attack random strangers who breach social distancing guidelines (as he did today 😳) 
5. E’s online yoga sessions shall in future be supervised by my wife and shall not include my participation (either with or without my leotard on) 🧘‍♂️

So, another day with the family (better get used to it!) and the 5 things that made me smile today:
1. Chatting with our neighbours over the fence (from a safe distance) whilst they bounce on a trampoline 🏘
2. The Yorkshire puddings I made for Steph’s tea that actually worked! 🥘 
3. Having a video call with Great Grandma Marian and teaching her how to flip the camera so we didn’t have to just see her living room 😆
4. Seeing the surprise on her face when Steph’s flowers from the kids arrived as apparently she thought I’d forget 💐 
5. My son’s pure cheekiness in everything he does, topping it off with washing down his massive truck with blackcurrant juice in the living room and just grinning at me 💦

Tomorrow is going to be a challenge with two new coworkers joining us and our #RemoteWorking – hope they are up bright and early for their induction!

•