LawyerLow Diaries

Another day and another series of interrupted work calls. Clients and professional contacts seem to be very understanding of the situation yet in all the calls I have had over the last 34 days, I haven’t heard a single child talking in the background let alone any screaming or bouncing on the bed/couch/person whilst being told to be quiet and/or get out!
We hit the #HomeSchooling hard on the first day of the Summer Term with the letter J for Jelly. Any excuse to make some tasty strawberry jelly as well as lots of jellyfish themed activities including underwater pictures and jellyfish yoga.
Another stunning day weather wise which does make this whole lockdown a tad more bearable. Long may that continue – the nice weather I mean, rather than the lockdown. 
So, what made my top 5 today?

1. We had a lovely lunchtime walk today which was unusually quiet in terms of people we passed. Plenty of opportunity for a chat with E which definitely has been a highlight of being at home. I will miss this time and the laughter that inevitably follows every day! So today we were talking about jellyfish and I was explaining that they sometimes sting and that some people believe that weeing on the sting will help. 
“But I don’t want you to wee on me Daddy”
“Don’t worry, that won’t happen sweetie!”
“I think I’ll just wee on the jellyfish instead and that will sort it out!” 💡 
2. It was a good walk today and further along our loop E started talking to the bushes again. Some might say it’s a tad strange but I think her vivid imagination is completely fascinating! Apparently she can still talk Leaf and was being asked repeatedly how her day was yesterday and she told them back that she’d had a great time with her family. She then started naming the leaves so we had Flutter and Butter and Florence. So when we got to the next bush I looked at it and thought I’d play along so said “this one must be called Spike as it’s all prickly” – she looked into my eyes with such a look of pity and disappointment and simply said “No, she’s called Holly.” 🌿
3. Our adult living room, perfectly clean and toy free since being liberated on Saturday morning has been decimated. Item by item random toys were snuck down during the course of today. A green plastic chair, Scruffy freshly dried from the washing line, the Rapunzel figurine, a duck whistle (?), a blanket, a jigsaw and so the list goes on. By the time I finished work, I came downstairs to find M sat on his green “throne” on the coffee table being waited on by E and with the floor covered completely in their junk. I mean don’t they understand the concept of a playroom? 🧸 
4. The only thing better than making jelly is eating it of course. And so for pudding tonight the kids got to scoff the good stuff. M has developed a new found independence of eating where any assistance is immediately rebuffed usually with some foodstuff thrown at you. Jelly was a new challenge but one he took to with aplomb wobbling the spoon all the way to his mouth. He was bare legged due to a previous nappy incident and I did enjoy seeing his face when a bit of cold jelly fell onto his leg and he just didn’t know what to do! He did what we would all do – scooped it up into his hand and smeared it into his hair! 🍧
5. We are really working hard on M’s talking and he finally picked up a new word today. Bye! So now he just likes leaving rooms or pushing us out of rooms so that he can wave and say bye bye! He is so proud of himself. You just know for a fact I’m spending time in lockdown teaching him naughty words – I’m sure there’ll be a future diary post celebrating my success!! 😜

Well, we have successfully reached the end of the Easter “holidays” and the Lows are gearing up for a return to #HomeSchooling tomorrow. I expect you are all on tenterhooks to find out what words have been selected for this week (J, K, L, M and N) but you’ll just have to wait until tomorrow to find out!
After the living room was reclaimed yesterday, Steph had the next list of jobs all lined up for me given that we clearly should be making the most of the weekend. I’ll confess I took the wimp’s way out and made myself scarce by creating my own list of far more important manly jobs. The only curve ball with these lists was the presence of 2 little monsters who crave attention and have the primary aim of being as troublesome as possible.
So, onto the top 5 incidents of the day:

1. I dug out the bike and went for a nice long ride this morning to tick off my daily exercise. Apparently everyone in the local area had the same idea, which shouldn’t have surprised me given the glorious weather. I was extremely patient and took my time overtaking the family groups, pedestrians, dog walkers and other cyclists. The only issue I had was with a couple who were on bikes and insisted on riding side by side. When I finally managed to overtake (at a safe distance) I then slowed down again as there were more cyclists ahead. This couple took the opportunity to fly past me and almost collided into the guys ahead. I mean, even without social distancing that kind of crazy manoeuvre is plain dangerous. Anyway, you’ll be pleased to hear that when the path was clear, I made my move and sped off into the distance. Just call me Chris Hoy! 🚴 
2. When I got back from my ride, I could immediately tell something had occurred in my absence. If nothing else, there was strange smell. It turns out that Steph had gone upstairs to sort out the new playroom and left E in charge of M. BIG mistake! E then came up to see Steph and was smelling very nice. When asked, she explained she had hand cream on but that she had been trying to clean M up. Steph immediately put 2 and 2 together and charged downstairs, grabbing a towel on the way, and her worst nightmare was realised. M was sat on the living room floor covered from head to foot in hand cream which he was rubbing ever so carefully into his hair. 😇
3. So with Daddy back meaning no more problems, Steph headed off to have a shower. Now, you need to understand that Steph loves tea and coffee, but weirdly doesn’t like hot drinks so she insists on leaving them for an age until they are cold (or perhaps lukewarm). So off she went upstairs with a mug of tepid coffee and decided in her wisdom to leave it on her bedside table whilst she went into the shower. Of course I then hear screaming 15 minutes later as it turns out M has gone up and poured the coffee all over our bedroom. The stains on the bed frame and the carpet will never come out.  ☕️ 
4. I decided to make the most of the good weather and get some jobs round the garden done including cutting the grass. A lovely little job and always a sense of achievement when it is done. I’m not the best and usually am pretty lazy with the edging but today I thought I would go all out and worked my way round with a pair of scissors to create the perfect lawn. Imagine Steph’s surprise when she came out to see me “cutting the lawn with a pair of scissors” which she thought was hilarious and some kind of self punishment, a bit like cleaning the toilet with a toothbrush! ✂️
5. The littlest monster refused to go to bed this evening, alternating between climbing out of his cot and just screaming. Steph finally gave in and brought him downstairs again and ended up sitting reading him a pile of stories. I wasn’t paying much attention until she started squealing at him and I glanced over to see him trying to wiping his bogies on her face, which she didn’t take too kindly to. Boys are so disgusting (apparently)!👃

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How are we possibly into another weekend already? I know some people are struggling with boredom during lockdown and the days are dragging but that certainly isn’t the case here. Time seems to be flying and perhaps that is because we never stop with our little ones. I guess if we didn’t have them, the lockdown would be very different. 
Last night was definitely a challenge. We were first woken by a noise which Steph was adamant was M. It wasn’t. I’m pretty sure it was two cats having a scrap on our garden wall and shrieking at each other. We were then woken by actual M screaming who insisted he come into our bed and wanted stories reading for a couple of hours. Why not? By 3.30am we had all managed to finally get to sleep and E turned up in our room demanding to get in. There’s no room here sweetie was apparently not an acceptable response so cue more screaming as Steph marched her back to bed. She returned a couple of hours later so Steph gave up and went into E’s bed leaving me with two squirmers and kickers. I mean why do they do this?!? Surely their own beds are more spacious and comfy and they literally get to spend every minute of every the day with us at the moment so surely they don’t need the nighttime as well?
Suffice to say we have both been sleepwalking around today and a bit apprehensive about tonight. But as I write this they are both fast asleep so Steph and I are going to do what all mammies and daddies to when their kids actually go to bed early…. catch up on our own sleep! 
Right a quick fire top 5:

1. We didn’t get to watch the YouTube musical last night and anyone who knows me knows I’m a sucker for a good musical. So with the early start this morning we decided to watch Phantom of the Opera (my favourite!) The only problem is trying to explain to a 5 yr old what the plot is all about. Why’s he wearing a mask? Why is there a monkey? Why is the fat lady singing so loudly? And so on. So she was sent packing with the iPad to watch blooming Paw Patrol!! 🎭
2. As soon as our musical start to the day was finished, my wife suddenly announced that she wanted to reclaim our living room. I mean we haven’t had a living room for over 5 years as it has always been filled with toys and nappies and “stains” and crumbs so the mere thought of having it as an adult room was exciting. So my wife’s wish was my command and we set to work turning the spare bedroom into a playroom, carting all the toys and books up there and then doing a deep clean. And we actually did it! No giving up half way, or leaving a job half finished, and we now sit in a spacious, clean and kid-free room. Happy days, although I still can’t work out what those brown stains are in the corner…. 🤔
3. E has developed a passion for washing her toys in the bath. I’m not sure who she got her cleanliness obsession from (clearly not her father!) but normally it isn’t a problem as she asks to take a toy into her bath with her and we can agree or explain why that toy can’t get wet. All good parenting. So this morning as we were busy lugging her toys upstairs, she decides to wash her fluffy dog toy (Scruffy) in the bath without telling us. Cue a soaking wet dog and Steph goes and hangs him on the line to dry. The problem is no one told me and I looked out the kitchen window to see a dog strung up in my garden!! I am scarred for life! 🐕 
4. I suffered a significant burn today. I mean a psychological burn not a physical one as E stuck a knife in very deep. She was looking through the photos on my phone and scrolled all the way back to the beginning which starts about 11 years ago. She found the first one of me on there and asked who it was. When I said me she laughed. She actually laughed out loud. And then said “don’t be silly Daddy. That can’t be you. That man has brown hair and your hair is…well…you know.” Not that she’s given a complex or anything and I had to bite my tongue rather than explain who exactly was the cause of the change to my hair colour! 📷
5. Tonight was my fifth online Quiz that I have hosted during lockdown. It’s something I’ve really enjoyed doing but for the first time we then participated in another online quiz as players rather than hosts. That was weird but nice to team up with Steph to pool our knowledge. I did learn a few things though. My wife isn’t always right and I should stick to my gut rather than try to appease her especially when it comes to quiz answers! I suspect I should also be embarrassed that I got the Glee answer before the question had even been finished. Steph certainly has some concerns over that aspect of my knowledge! 🎤

A Friday is still a Friday even under lockdown. And we went from an uneventful day yesterday so a pretty eventful day today. I’m desperately clinging onto some form of normality and trying to keep a routine so Friday is normally cheeky drink night and treat night. The only problem is for the last 29 days every day has been cheeky drink day (and night) and has been treat night! We did pretty well on day 1 before it started to slip. 
Steph has really cottoned on to this messages in the shower business and has taken it upon herself to ensure I wash every day! You can see below the message that greeted me this morning. Not sure why I’m back into my little pants though. Cheeky!
I’ll warn you now that the top 5 today have a heavy weighting towards bodily functions so not a read for the faint hearted!!! Take a deep breath and here we go:

1. Even going to the toilet is not simple in these difficult times. Because of our shifts, one of us is working whilst the other is supervising the monsters meaning that if we need the toilet when we are not working, we need to multitask to ensure the other is not disturbed by the kids. Now such a simple multitask is straightforward for members of the fairer sex but slightly more of a challenge for me! So this morning when I was sitting on the downstairs toilet, I shouldn’t have been surprised to find myself hollering at E not to go upstairs and “Don’t you dare disturb Mammy” whilst having M say on my knee trying to sing row row row the boat. Bring on the lockdown finishing simply so I can go to the toilet in peace!! 🚽 
2. E and I had our usual daily walk, knocking out a quick mile after lunch. M was with us too but my chat is boring so he falls asleep within the first 50 metres. We made our way round our standard loop with E dragging her heels as usual. I’m so fed up with repeating “Come on E, let’s pick it up E.” So anyway we got three quarters of the way round and she starts up with “I need the toilet Daddy. It’s coming now Daddy. It’s coming out of my body Daddy. If it doesn’t come out now Daddy it’s going to turn into something else…” I’ve no idea what the last one means by the way!! So I tell her to hurry up so we can get home if she needs the toilet. Cue the super slow walking and the crossed legs (see photo below) and then when we eventually made it home she cheerfully announced she didn’t need after all! 🤬
3. We moved to a new level of social distancing this afternoon – distance playing. E stood at the end of our drive whilst her little buddy opposite stood at the end of her drive. After a bit of a chat E came in and gathered a bunch of toys and went back out and sat down to play. Both of them stayed on their drives and were a lot more than 2m apart but the interaction was so important to them both (well better than screaming over the walls to each other!) 🧸 
4. The kids were hugely excited to go in the shower this evening. It’s such a joy seeing children desparate to get washed! They clearly don’t take after their father. After playing and washing and playing a bit more I took M downstairs to get him ready for bed. We cuddled on the couch as I dried him and then he wriggled away and started running round the living room in his crazy way screaming and screeching. So far so normal. But tonight he suddenly stopped, with his back to me and then glanced over his shoulder, grinned a really creepy grin and then his eyes rolled back. The little bugger was taking a pee on the carpet! I mean come on little man!!!!! 😏
5. So, tonight we finish with another confession. But one that also requires an explanation before you unfriend me immediately! You see Steph is very particular when it comes to chocolate and especially if there is any prospect of it being shared between us. She must ensure she gets a precise and even split of what there is and heaven forbid if I try and steal some extra. She’s had years to train me! So we’re sitting on the couch sharing some chocolate tonight and I toed the line and only took my share. When she stood up to take the bowl back into the kitchen I noticed a small bit had fallen onto the couch so I quickly grabbed it and shoved it into my mouth before she saw it. Definitely a win! In that instant I remembered that I had changed M on the couch this afternoon when he had one of his specials and didn’t bother to put down the change mat… 💩

The days are beginning to blur into each other and the only thing that seems to be a constant is me writing this every evening. I’m not convinced 24 hours has actually passed since my last instalment but one thing is for sure – I’m not one of those people who is bored…yet! The kids just wouldn’t allow that!
Today saw the least surprising announcement of the decade and we have another 3 weeks of lockdown. But worry not, we are knuckling down and looking forward to a return to #HomeSchooling next week already.
To be fair it has been a relatively uneventful day today, certainly by our usual standards. I did feel obliged at one point to reassure one of my neighbours that I had changed my underwear this morning which would have raised a few eyebrows if anyone else had overheard!
I’ve asked Steph tonight for her top 5 given she spent most of the day with the kiddywinkles:

1. M has decided that he is now too grown up for his high chair as he is a “big boy”. I didn’t realise that kicked in before your 2nd birthday. He has taken to climbing up onto the breakfast stools and sitting proudly next to his sister, which freaks Steph out constantly as he looks like he’s going to fall off. Today he sat there and wolfed down his yoghurt before sneaking back later and climbing up and finishing E’s as well. He certainly has no respect for his sister, especially when it comes to food! 🪑 
2. The one thing I did do with the kids today was take them for their lunchtime walk. E was in charge and led the way. We cut through some streets I haven’t been to before and made an new friend as an older lady shouted over a greeting. When E waved back (being the polite girl we have brought her up to be) the lady took this as encouragement and told us to wait as she went into her garage. She suddenly appeared with a pile of books which she wanted to give to E. Normally a lovely gesture but today this is a complicated transaction which involved leaving them on a wall after a neighbour refused (quite correctly) to be a go between. I’ve left Steph to give them all a clean just in case. 📚 
3. Cakegate. So there was a battle of wills between my wife and my son and you’ll never guess who came out on top! Steph tried to give him a cake slice for pudding but helped herself to half and gave him the other half. This was clearly unacceptable. Cue the tears and screaming. So she got another slice out and gave him all of it to appease him. In a controversial decision (which I can only assume was spur of the moment and not thought through) she took the half off him and put it in her own mouth. He kicks off again and tried to climb up and grab it out of her mouth so he could have one and a half slices. Nothing and no one gets between my son and his cake. Never been so proud! 🍰 
4. Another Thursday night means another quiz hosted for my work colleagues on Zoom which was a good laugh. It was particularly entertaining this evening as E stayed up to “help” which mainly consisted of talking over me when I was reading out the questions and an unusual contemporary dance in the living room during the music round. I’ve never seen a Kate Bush tribute dance to the sound of The Who! 👨‍💻 
5. E has invented a new game – “it’s a serious game you know Daddy” where she gets sole control of the iPad and M isn’t allowed to touch it. Any suggestion she should share is shouted down with the now daily pronouncement of “Listen Daddy. No, you listen to me. This is important and you aren’t listening to me. Right, just listen. I NEED to have the iPad as he just snatches so if you can just keep him in the kitchen I’ll watch my programmes in the living room!” I mean who does she think she is? Have I caused this or am I too soft with her? All of these questions buzz through my head and then I take a deep breath and reassure myself. It’s Steph’s fault. 😜

Sleep deprivation has hit hard today. E up first at 11.30pm (though we think she might have been sleepwalking) and then M in at 3.25am. Now as parents of relatively small children these things do happen but during lockdown there is no escape and certainly no opportunity to get into the office to have a rest! Of course yours truly does not cope well without his beauty sleep so that just makes me ratty and my better half is of the same disposition. That is definitely not a good combination. 
In happier news the weather was gorgeous today and I had the best lunch break ever just hanging in the garden with the kids. Those are the moments I will miss when this is all over. I also bashed out a 5k run this evening which always leaves me tired but a bit more positive about everything.
But it’s late so let’s get onto the top 5:

1. I’m starting with an awful admission tonight. It might be a common story elsewhere but certainly isn’t in my life! Perhaps lockdown has made me care less and personal grooming has started to slip but…well…I didn’t wash or even change my boxers this morning. Now let me explain before you judge. I have a very narrow window in the morning to get showered before my work shift and I missed it for the first time today. Perhaps it was because we were both so tired but before I knew it I was logging onto the work server and was still not washed and dressed. I thought it was okay though as I had planned to do a run anyway so I’ll just do that at lunchtime and then get washed. Well of course I couldn’t go for my run as our back to back shifts meant Steph was working over lunchtime and I had the kids. So before I knew it I was onto my afternoon stint at the computer still unwashed and still in my dirty pants. Oh the shame!!! I finally got out for my run and then had a shower at 7.30pm (only 12 hours late) so at least I have washed today! I promise I’ll get my act together tomorrow! 🩲
2. Staying on the washing theme, just to mix things up for the kids we have been letting them alternate between their usual baths and showers in our en suite. This of course requires them moving all of their bath toys into our shower and so tonight I found the walls covered in all their foam letters and numbers when I wanted my “late” shower. Rather than throw them all out I found myself playing with them and decided to leave a message for Steph to find in the morning (picture below). She’s already off to bed so hopefully it will be a nice surprise for her! 💜
3. E has realised that whilst she can’t go to visit her friends in the neighbouring houses, on nice days they are likely to also be out in the garden so they can just yell at each other over the wall or fence. It just turns into a comedy sketch however as they can’t really understand exactly what the other is saying particularly if they are over the road so they just end up screaming “WHAT?!?” and “I CAN’T HEAR YOU BUT I’M HAVING AN ICE LOLLY” at the top of their voices. Heaven help any delivery drivers coming up the street at that moment! 🗣
4. Also whilst in the garden today E decided to bring our all of her dollies and teddies. One of them appeared to have lost its clothes and was being pushed around in a buggy in its birthday suit. When E got it out she proudly announced it was called Mr Naked. I innocently asked how she knew it was a boy given that I had spotted it had no obvious “features”. She very carefully examined Mr Naked, mainly around the groin and then looked up at me and said “Daddy, he is obviously a boy as he has…. no eyelashes!” 🤷🏼‍♂️
5. Steph appears to have taken over the afternoon walks with the kids leaving me with some peace. M appears to find her company very boring as he is fast asleep normally before they make it to the top of the road. They went on a new route today and had a lovely explore around the finer parts of the village (not quite sure where that is). All I got when they returned however was a story from Steph about two old biddies with walking sticks who held them up on the way back! I think patience has definitely worn thin so if you are thinking of taking your daily exercise in our locality you’d better make sure to keep out of the way of speedy Gonzales and her two angels!!! 🚶‍♀️

So we have made it to the end of the 4th week. In some ways this is a massive achievement but in others it has been a doddle. The silver lining in all of this is the time I’m getting with the kids which is certainly more than pre-lockdown. It’s not all necessarily quality time and the interruptions when I’m on the phone to clients is far from ideal but any time with my kids is always exciting and definitely entertaining. 
Our return to #RemoteWorking and work/kid shifts started in earnest first thing this morning after a surprisingly acceptable wake up call. It’s amazing the difference an hour makes, moving my head’s opening thought of the day from “seriously?!? 😡” to “I’m so lucky to have such gorgeous children! 😇”
We’ll get right to it tonight and count down the top 5:

1. So Steph’s latest purchase arrived today. She thought a tent would be a good addition to our garden “furniture” and give somewhere for the kids to play outside especially during the lockdown. What is wrong with our garden is beyond me but, hey, why not find a use for my credit card! She was so excited when it arrived and snuck it out to erect it without me knowing. It’s a fancy quick build thing where you throw it and it just pops up. Unfortunately for her the very well known chain sent her a dud which also appeared to be second hand as it was covered in dusty footprints and one of the poles was already snapped. Cue a rather hilarious scene where I was asked to fold down the dud tent which is apparently very simple and just involves a quick twist and a figure of 8. It took me a good 45 minutes and quite a few profanities before I gave up and watched the how-to YouTube video. I can’t wait for the replacement to arrive! ⛺️ 
2. Steph appears to have decided to play me at my own game and use the lockdown as an opportunity to wind me up as much as she can. Today’s highlight was filling M with an entire Easter egg and a bunch of peanut butter just before our shift swap over. This resulted in me having to be responsible for THE most hyperactive 1 year old I have ever had the misfortune of encountering. He genuinely just ran around in circles screaming at the top of his voice. I hope Steph was on an important call at that moment! 🤪
3. Due to way my client calls fell today, Steph was in charge of the lunchtime walk. After forcing M into his pushchair in the hope he might fall asleep, off they went for their adventure. They were back 4 minutes later as Steph had committed the schoolboy error of not making E go to the toilet before they left. Somehow (I can only assume some form of sleeping drug was involved) M had fallen asleep in that 4 minute window and so Steph declared that the walk had been completed! 🚽 
4. We live right on an old railway line which is ideal to go out for our lunchtime walks or runs/bike rides. Our garden literally backs onto the lines so we can hear people going past and things are increasingly busy at the moment as you can imagine. Anyway first thing this morning Steph was standing in the kitchen and a horse rider went past and due to the height of our fence they would see straight through our patio doors into the house. The guy looked over and smiled so Steph waved back. It’s not got me incredibly worried as to how often horse riders have gone past previously and seen me in various states of undress standing in my kitchen. Not that I wander around in the nude very often but the mind boggles given my usual luck! 🐴 
5. Steph had to nip out to pick up a new laptop from the office after the “walk” and so off she popped and was back about half an hour later. To be honest I didn’t even know she had gone. When she returned she came upstairs to let me know and I tried to pretend I knew what was going on. She said M was still fast asleep downstairs – I probably should have known I was in charge of him! She then asked about E and whether she had behaved. Only at that moment did I find out she had in fact left both children in my care and I had no idea! 😳

The start of another week in lockdown and apparently it’s another Bank Holiday- who knew? I failed miserably to stay off the computer today and actually got a ton of work done given that very few people were on so very limited incoming emails and no phone calls. I can tell already it’s going to be a busy week at work as the wife and I try to get back into a shift pattern.
An early start from E once again whilst my angelic son has another long lie. I’m pretty sure they plan this in the middle of the night to make sure at least one of them gets us up at an insanely early time each morning. No rest for the wicked they say and boy must I have been wicked in a former life! 
To be frank today was a pretty quiet day. I’ve seen on Facebook that quite a few families have hit the wall this weekend and the children are pushing their parents right to the edge. I live on the edge. I’m pretty sure Steph is over the edge and just dangling there by a single fingernail which is liable to snap at any time. But we are safe and we are healthy and truth be told we are happy. For now. Tomorrow is another day and if I’ve learnt one thing in lockdown, it is to enjoy the good days because the next one may be a while off!
There was just about enough going on to find a top 5:

1. Before logging onto the laptop to do some work I did manage to knock out a cheeky 10k this morning which gave me a great sense of achievement. The paths were absolutely packed however and I really didn’t want to be *that* runner who has been so roundly criticised on social media (including by me). So I took my time and was careful to only pass people at a government approved distance. At one point I did study the tight group of 3 cyclists very carefully in the faint hope I might be able to discern whether they were from the same household. But the point was, with my careful overtaking I ended up being out for 63 minutes. Please don’t report me to the coppers for exceeding my allowance by 3 minutes! 🏃‍♂️ 
2. I’ve reported previously about M’s eating habits and his sudden move from hunger strike to gannet. Well that doesn’t look like changing any time soon. I literally haven’t seen him over the last couple of days without a bowl in his hand. Now mostly these bowls have some edible substance in them but occasionally they are empty and he seems to keep one in every room just in case. I have no idea what kind of food emergency he is planning for but I confess I do like his style! I’m shocked he doesn’t go to bed with one in case he gets peckish in the night. 🍲 
3. E and I made some homemade chicken dippers for tea tonight complete with a crushed cheesy crisp coating. Now E was great at crushing the crisps and even had a go at dipping the chicken into the flour and egg. But in typical E style she only did four and then announced that her fingers were sticky and she had to go and wash them. “It’s fine Daddy” she announced “you can just finish them and let me know when tea is ready. I’ll just go and watch Paw Patrol” Those blasted pups are the bane of my life I tell you! I am concerned her brain will be rotting inside her skull at this rate! 🍗 
4. I need to know if anyone else’s children have a mad half hour just to burn off their energy. Apparently today was the day my wife introduced this concept, entirely without my knowledge or consent. I was making good progress with work and thinking how quiet it was downstairs when suddenly this almighty racket started. Now, I’ve learnt to just hide when this happens as it is normally my wife losing it with the kids and it’s best to keep out of everyone’s way and not get involved. But today was different as I couldn’t hear her at all. Just the two kids screaming and screaming and running around like loons! When all eventually calmed down 30 minutes later and I hesitantly stuck my head out, I found out this was a new daily activity. I’m thinking that tomorrow I might just join it. It does sound like an opportunity for me to release all of my frustrations too as I don’t see why the kids should get all the fun. I’ll apologise to the neighbours in advance. 🙉
5. I had a lovely video call with a mate today. It’s always nice to catch up and exchange news. Limited news, I grant you, as we are both in lockdown so there’s only so much to talk about once you’ve covered the DIY jobs (which he has completed and I haven’t) and reports about what government sanctioned exercise and shopping trips we had each managed to complete. But the reason this makes the top 5 was the opening line as my camera went live. I said “Hey” and he said “Wow, you need a haircut!” Now, brutal honesty has been a bedrock of our friendship for nearly 20 years (has it really been that long?!?) but in that moment he gave me a complex, so much so that I even asked Steph tonight if she would cut my hair. “I am not going anywhere near THAT” was her immediate response which not only dashed my only chance at getting this resolved but also embedded the complex I was hoping to get over. Any ideas on self grooming whilst in lockdown?! 💇‍♂️

Happy Easter to you all, my loyal readers! I hope you had a suitably exciting day full of family time and chocolate consumption and, if you celebrate the true meaning of this holiday, the live mass from the Vatican which was eerily empty.
The Low household got off to an inauspicious start with a pyjama clad egg hunt round the house, ending with an unexpected and mightily impressive haul given no one has been allowed to the house in nearly 4 weeks! We were all suffering from sugar overload by 9am, except M who seemed to be in complete ecstasy from each choco hit. My wife also chose today to embark on a cooking marathon however it seemed to be more based around picking a recipe, looking out the ingredients and then asking me if I would just knock “that bit” together where the “bit” was the entire recipe. I had fun nevertheless and it definitely beats cleaning the floors!
So by accident rather than design it appears E has a monopoly today on my Easter special top 5:

1. This morning saw an immediate follow up from last night’s Easter Bunny conversation! E just walked into our bedroom at 6.15am and asked me straight out if the Easter Bunny was real. Weirdly as she asked she was searching around the bedroom for hidden Easter eggs! When I told her there were none in here she pressed on with her questioning. “Is it just Mammy who hides the eggs?”
“Well, what do you think?” was my evasive response
“I think Mammy hides then but the Easter Bunny brings them”
“Yes that’s right E” as I quickly seized upon this get out, “Mammy finds them as the Easter Bunny hides them in really difficult places and then she hides them in easier places for you and M”
“That’s really kind of her Daddy. I love my Mammy!”
Crisis averted! Or so I thought as 5 minutes later she reported that she has a wobbly tooth… “So you know the Tooth Fairy, Daddy…” 🤯
2. Our matinee today was the living room premiere of Frozen 2. Now we had a very eventful trip to the cinema when it was first released which saw Emma wailing uncontrollably when a certain character died and when I glanced over to Steph for some support at this public outpouring of noisy emotion I was a bit taken aback to see that she was also in floods of tears. Fortunately the second viewing was less dramatic as E knew all about the happy ending. Instead she became fixated on the proposal scene, happily announcing “That’s just how I want Jamie to propose and then I can say yes and we can be happy forever”. Daddy was not so happy! ❄️ 
3. E and Steph played a lovely game of hide and seek this afternoon whilst M was having his nap. Daddy wasn’t involved but was summonsed outside by E when stumped by a particular good hide by Mammy. Apparently the only thing she could find was a beautiful statue which was positioned right in the middle of the garden. You guessed it. I mean make a bit of an effort. Even just round the corner of the house would have taken 10 steps! 🥱
4. We went out for a brisk late afternoon walk to try and burn off about 1% of the chocolate calories. We were actually making decent progress when E stopped and leant down to pick up a chunky fallen branch off the path. “Don’t touch that!” I screamed
“What Daddy?” E looked startled and a bit annoyed that I’d been so sharp with her
“It’s not a branch sweetie, it’s a decomposing squirrel!”
“Ewwwww” and she recoiled immediately and we headed on our way. A few minutes later she tugged on my arm and asked what ‘decomposed’ meant and if the squirrel was now back in the tree with his family…. 🐿 
5. Also on our walk E (as usual) dragged behind me on the home stretch. Apparently her legs are littler than mine so it’s justifiable (where does she learn this vocabulary?!?) Anyway, when I told her to catch up she dutifully ran up to me and patiently explained that she was speaking to the leaves. “I can speak Leaf you know Daddy” 
“Really E?”
“Yes, that one is called Ham the Leaf. Oh, he’s flown away now. Anyway I was speaking to Ham the Leaf and then to Flutter the Leaf and she was telling me ‘Whoosh whoosh’ which means ‘I’m off to buy some butter’”
“Why on earth do leaves need butter”
“Oh Daddy <rolling eyes> to put on their bagels!” 🍃

Thank you so much for all the lovely messages I have received about my Diary. It really did start with me just being my usual silly self and trying to spread a bit of happiness at a difficult time. Also, to settle a debate, nothing in my Diary is made up – it only contains genuine things that are said or happen in the Low household!
Now back to Easter Saturday. What a glorious day in the sun which makes that huge difference on coping with the lockdown. We spent most of today in the garden as I think most people did especially with a change in the weather forecast. As you will see from the photos I busted M doing his peeping Tom routine this afternoon. Clearly the goings on next door are far more interesting than what happens here!
I also managed to get out for a cheeky 5k this morning (a solo Parkrun if you will) I have no idea when I will next be able to run in an organised event but hopefully I’ll be in some kind of shape to do it! 🦈 
So what happenings brightened up an already bright day? Here’s the top 5:

1. Well I was woken up twice this morning. The first time was around 3am when her foot stroked my face and then her big toe entered into my mouth. Now, I’ve never had a foot fetish but a man’s gotta take what he can and sometimes just go with the flow. Sadly when I was booted in the forehead by the other foot I quickly realised that they weren’t Steph’s feet at all but rather E had climbed into our bed in the early hours and was sleeping horizontally (and I had the feet end). That was not a pleasant experience, nor was my second awaking which Steph helpfully photographed some hours later. 🦶 
2. After making it through breakfast and my run, I returned home to a list of chores from my wife which I dutifully ignored (risky strategy I know) and proceeded to install a couple of bike hooks in the garage instead. That is definitely the shortest time between having a man job to do and actually getting it done in my whole life. I was well chuffed, getting my tools out and feeling very manly. Apparently this was not a productive use of my time and I should have just washed the floors like I’d been asked. Oh well, I suppose it’s all a matter of perspective. 🚲 
3. We had a lovely picnic in the garden for lunch and because we were spending the afternoon outside too we decided to take out some toys for the kids to play with. Nothing controversial there. Steph took out the play kitchen we’ve had for a while and put it on the patio for M to rustle up an afternoon tea for us all. Now this wooden kitchen is pretty sturdy having been built by yours truly (after it had sat in the box for a couple of weeks) and has withstood some heavy playing in its time. Sadly for us M decided to COMPLETELY TRASH IT by forcing himself behind it and pushing it over so it just all fell apart and the little monster thought it was hilarious!! 😠
4. Tomorrow is, of course, Easter Sunday and E in particular is very excited by the prospect of eating all her eggs in one sitting! Now regular readers will know that we had (and possibly still have) a mouse living in our garage so storing any foodstuff in there is very dangerous. To this end when Steph arrived with a bunch of chocolate eggs some weeks ago she refused to put them in the garage. “I’ll leave them in the boot of the car” she said “They’ll be safe there”. And they were. Until the heatwave. I was sent to get them out this afternoon and it turns out the gorgeous unicorn for E and dinosaur for M look like they have been involved in some form of nuclear disaster and their faces have melted right off. They are genuinely the stuff of nightmares! The other eggs are just puddles of chocolate with no form whatsoever. I suppose they are still edible though! 🚘 
5. Steph took E to bed tonight which is not a usual occurrence as normally it is Daddy’s job. This straightforward task however took a sinister turn this evening when E said to Steph “so is the Easter Bunny real?” This question clearly was not expected but my wife is not one to panic and gave the calm answer that any Mammy would give to a 5 year old who is just looking for reassurance. She just looked her in the eye and said “you’ll need to ask your Daddy tomorrow!” 😫