LawyerLow Diaries

Lockdown #3. How on earth did we end up here? Just when I thought my diary might be coming to an end, within days 2021 turns out to be far less different to 2020 than most people hoped. The first full week of the new year was certainly far more eventful than expected – schools in a mess, riots in Washington DC, snow everywhere, and a broken boiler to boot! I’m not quite sure where we go from here but things can definitely only get better!

But, as ever, I’ve been searching for the positives in these difficult times. Even more quality time with my kids, snow days as a thing of the past with remote working and remote schooling, and most importantly, the nurseries are still open. That is most definitely the silver lining, as M needed to get out of the house and into an environment where he doesn’t just trash everything. I mean, I assume he’s better behaved at nursery than he is at home, as he couldn’t get much worse.

Plenty of things happened this week, but let’s crack on with the top 5:

1. Lockdown. The big news of course was the PM’s announcement on Monday night. We were lucky in that E wasn’t due to return to school until Wednesday anyway, but we did end up having a lot of conversations about what arrangements we needed to put in place. We had stupidly agreed on Hogmanay that we would both do dry January and not buy any takeaways this month, something which now feels basically impossible. I’m all for sticking with New Year’s Resolutions but one has to be realistic in times of high pressure. We also had to face the prospect of telling E her school wasn’t going to reopen this half term. We ripped the plaster off first thing on Tuesday morning and were pleasantly surprised with her reaction – “That’s great news! I’ll get to spend more time with you and Mummy and Matthew. It’ll be the BEST TIME EVER!” I couldn’t help but wonder how long before that positive attitude would be beaten out of her…

2. Home schooling. It really was what all parents wanted to repeat – we all learnt so much in the 2020 Summer Term and were keen for the opportunity to put those improvements into action. Not! Despite the initial apprehension, this week has been a very surprising success. It started oh so badly on Wednesday. She started with Joe Wicks and some yoga, so as to energise the body and mind before tackling the work set by her teacher. However by 11am I heard raised voices echoing up the stairs and quickly decided that my mid morning cup of tea could wait. Indefinitely. I later found out that E has asked if it was lunchtime yet only to be told “No, it’s 9:30 in the morning.” Somehow my two favourite girls managed to find a system that worked and by Friday afternoon E had completed all of the set work, plus some extra, and had received her teacher’s top student of the week award. I mean, how did Steph manage that whilst also working herself? I don’t think I want to return to traditional schooling and parents evening only once a term. I’m going to be used to the daily reports I am now getting at the end of each day when I get presented with all of the completed work. My favourite this week was E’s answer to the question: How do you feel about what is going on in the world and how can we help each other? Now I know that lots of her classmates opted for words like “worried” and “upset” but E’s response was: I feel calm and happy and joyful. We can stay away from the coronavirus by staying safe.

3. Boobs. Not much to say about this one other than to give you the verbatim conversation where the girls are talking about M:

E: Mammy, he looks like a big boy.

S: Well he is a big now, he’s getting so big now.

E: No Mammy, I mean with his coat, you know it’s bunched up so it looks like he’s got these two (points to Mammy’s boobs)… you know.

S: I don’t think he does E.

E: Well I do!

The poor lad is skinny as yet he’s already getting picked on by his sister. Really not looking forward to when they are both teenagers!

4. Sleepover. The kids have been pestering us for weeks to allow them to have a sleepover one night. Obviously this is all being pushed by E, but her little brother did seem keen. We finally relented and so Saturday night was fixed for the big event. M’s mattress was dragged through to the other bedroom along with his pillow and duvet and they both were high as kites as we headed upstairs. Now, Steph wanted me to move the baby gate over to that door but I refused and argued that he needed to learn sometime. I left her to read the bedtime story and sure enough the next thing I knew, he was downstairs with a cheeky grin on his face and his bed had been moved back into his bedroom. I mean, he hadn’t even gotten into the bed and therefore a new world record for the shortest ever sleepover was set. He was definitely not happy at being returned to his own bedroom but the baby gate came in very handy! Perhaps we will wait a little longer before trying this one again…

5. Charades. We have finally managed to get to E’s last unopened game from Christmas. Charades for kids. We even waited until the littlest monster was napping so the three of us could play it uninterrupted. E really did enjoy it and was clearly better at performing than guessing what objects and actions her parents were trying to relay. To be fair to her, I’m really not the best at these things but as usual the competitive spirit of the Lows came to the fore. My personal highlight was when I got in trouble for laughing when it was my wife’s final turn. She lay down on the floor and started gyrating. Well, that’s the only way I can describe it. I suppose it was similar to The Worm for those familiar with breakdancing moves. In a moment of inspiration (with no small element of risk) I threw out the word “whale” and that turned out to be the right answer. A free bit of advice to all the married men out there however – no matter the game, you never ever ever call your wife a whale whilst she’s lying on your living room floor.

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

Happy New Year! Well, we made it dear reader. We have succeeded in getting out of the other side of 2020 and are just about in tact. It was a year like no other, and not one we will forget in a hurry (no matter how much we might want to try!) I’m determined to focus on the positives however, and try to carry them forward into the new year. Spending more time with my kids, getting fitter (I managed to complete my full month of 5ks before the snow hit) and attending client meetings with pyjama bottoms on…

This week has been the usual Twixtmas, with absolutely no sense of what the day or date is, compounded by the inability to meet others so the calendar remained a worthless piece of paper on the kitchen wall. It is Sunday night and we still have no idea if E is returning to school next week but we will continue to roll with the punches and do what we need to do as a family. One thing is for sure – if we have to start home schooling again, dry January will be very short lived!

Get on with the top 5 I hear you cry, so here we go:

1. The post Christmas Day period is all about working through the rest of the kids’ presents and trying to give them the opportunity to play with everything before the end of the holidays. E’s karaoke machine was a definite hit especially with the second microphone for her brother to duet with her. There’s something lovely about walking into a room and finding them serenading each other with the echo setting up to maximum. We have also played an awful lot of board games with E as she apparently received every single junior version available. Cluedo, Monopoly, Scrabble, and so on. The only problem is that the competitive spirits of both of her parents is clearly in the genes so these have turned into royal battles with all 3 of us desperate to win. My wife justifies it on the basis that at some point children must learn how to lose, whereas I just want the bragging rights. Don’t worry though – E somehow still managed to win nearly every game.

2. Steph and I don’t spend a lot of time texting each other. I mean, why would we given how we are now permanently together? Very occasionally there’s a message sent when we are both in the house but more usually we would just holler at the other. Not in an aggressive way you understand but just if we are at opposite ends of the house. So I was shocked this week to receive a message whilst in the kitchen. I didn’t read it initially but when I did, you can imagine my surprise when I finally read “He’s locked me in the toilet xxx” It turned out she was trapped in the bathroom after M somehow managed to remove the entire locking mechanism from the outside. Fortunately she had her phone with her otherwise who knows when I would have sent a search party? Perhaps he’ll be an engineer when he’s older?

3. Hogmanay is always a special day, and whilst there were no big parties or ceilidhs to attend this year we still tried to make it special for the kids. E is at an age now where she really wanted to stay up until the bells and given how single minded she is, it was always likely to happen. I came up with the idea of giving her an envelope every hour from midday onwards with little activities or challenges for her to complete. I thought she might lose interest after the first couple, but give her her due, she completed each and every one and even sang Auld Lang Syne at midnight with us. She was absolutely exhausted the next day but declared that it was definitely worth it. The only problem was that she then started asking for the envelopes with that day’s activities on. She really wasn’t happy when I explained it was for one day only, so we’ve had to compromise that I’d organise something similar for her birthday next month!

4. With the New Year’s resolutions set, I’ve headed out on a daily walk with E on each of the last 3 days. The paths have been really icy so we had to tread very carefully but she really is excellent company. She never seems short of a topic of conversation, even if some are a little random. She also has an unusual vocabulary, and a lot of things are either “divine” or a “catastrophe”. She also keeps repeating that “ice is my life” – I initially assumed that it was a Frozen reference but given I know both films off by heart I know that it isn’t the case. I still need to get to the bottom of that one. Speaking of bottoms, we did start the week with a family trip to the Angel of the North – I’ve lived in Durham for over 13 years now and I’ve never visited so it was good to make the short journey. It was very cold and very muddy and my poor wife took a tumble down the hill. I’m clearly not the best in those situations as my initial reactions were “I’ll just take a quick photo for my diary” immediately followed by “do you have a change of clothes with you otherwise you’ll get mud on the car seat?” rather than actually helping her off the floor. My other resolution is to be nicer to Steph!

5. I was saying goodnight to E one evening this week when I noticed some marks on her wall beside her bed. I leaned over her to try and see what it was and I realised they were browny bumps. I picked at them, as you do, and they fell off. My darling daughter was looking a bit sheepish at this point and so I asked what they were. “You see, Daddy, I did tell Mummy, but, well… okay so you know now… they are bogies.” It wasn’t quite what I thought she was going to say but she did get a telling off and as I turned to leave she asked if I still loved her. “Of course I do sweetie, but in future please put your bogies in a tissue and not on your wall.” “Ok Daddy. I promise. But I didn’t tell Mummy about the one I hid behind that picture over there…”

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

Happy Christmas everyone! I hope you all managed to have an amazing day, Santa brought you something good and you made some new memories, even if there were limits to what you could do. Here in the Low household we had a merry little Christmas as instructed with just Grandpa joining in the festivities. It didn’t stop me making an unnecessarily large batch of bread sauce as usual – I just don’t understand why I wait until Christmas every year to make it. It’s like a perfectly made porridge!

There has been so much happening this week, I don’t even know where to start. The kids finished at school and nursery, E won in her school raffle and brought home a bottle of prosecco (never been prouder of her school achievements), the wife and I finished work for nearly 2 weeks and I’ve still been running every day including a 10k on Boxing Day “just for fun”. I mean, what have I become?

I’ve tried to whittle things down to a top 5…

1. At the start of the week I discovered a new picture stuck on the fridge. Now my kitchen is full of what I call “child art”. You know the type of thing – it’s pretty awful but you can’t bear to get rid of it, until at some point you run out of room and then either it gets shoved in the attic or snuck into the recycling. But to my surprise this one was actually recognisable as a nativity scene, and E’s drawing skills have clearly improved. As I was admiring the detail it definitely didn’t enter my mind that my identification of the number of shepherds present would cause a dispute which would run all week. I ask you now – how many shepherds visited Jesus in the stable? I’m not going to bore you with the various arguments, contact of family members and google searches which have taken place but all you need to know is that I was right!

2. What to say about my son? He hasn’t really had a clue what is going on this week other than he’s received a lot of new toys and games and has been high as a kite. He just doesn’t stop all day, every day, and is determined to do as many things as possible to get into trouble. But he has really come into his own at bedtime. If we switch off his light he just switches it back on and reads all of his books and completes dozens of jigsaws until he falls asleep on top of them. His latest trick is building a den at the gate on his door so when we go to bed we find him fast asleep in that position and I have to adopt my ninja routine to get him into bed without waking him up. Every night the den seems more and more elaborate so I think he’s just testing me!

3. E took Grandpa out on Boxing Day for a bit of fresh air and insisted they visit the local fairy garden. Like most of us he was a tad concerned about the Barbie dolls nailed to a wooden post but they seemed to enjoy spending some quality time together, just the two of them. As ever with my daughter it was the conversation which really made the walk as we were told upon their return. It turns out she started a lengthy discussion about how only having 2 arms and hands really wasn’t enough and she wished she could grow some extras. She started with her opinion that 8 would be the perfect number but after carrying out what can only be described as a SWOT analysis, they agreed between themselves that a 3rd arm would actually be enough and would make a real difference in day to day activities. She’d even worked out that the perfect place for it to grow out of would be her belly button. I do wonder where she gets her imagination from!

4. Now I found out afterwards that before they had even left for their walk together, my precious daughter was causing Steph some concern. This was the conversation as relayed to me!

S: E would you like to go for a walk with Grandpa?

E: Yes please, can I show him the fairy garden?

S: Of course, but you need to change into some trousers instead of your tights.

E: Ok Mummy but do I need to take the tissue paper out of my bum?

S: Eh? What are you talking about? Have you not cleaned your bum properly?

E: No Mummy, I have tissues down my bum, do you want to see it?

S: No! Is it in your pants? Go to the toilet now and sort it out. That’s disgusting.

E: But Mummy you can see it, see you can see it through my tights. It’s not in my pants. It’s there in case I need to blow my nose as I have no pockets..

As she sticks her bum in my wife’s face to show her. She then proceeds to take it out of her tights and put it into the bin. My comment to Steph that it seemed a pretty innovative storage solution given the lack of pockets in her tights surprisingly did not meet with approval!

5. I reluctantly agreed to go to the shops today to pick up some essential food. A big mistake! Apparently the returning of unwanted Christmas gifts remains high on everyone’s list of priorities regardless of the year! Oh and I also made the fatal mistake of taking my daughter. So sure enough we ended up in the toilet. I tried to convince her that it wouldn’t take long for us to get home but “Daddy, it’s coming now. It’s really coming down my leg.” was enough to get me in there. We managed to get into the family room with a single cubicle and suddenly I found myself standing guard, wearing my Spider-Man face mask with my feet under the cubicle door as she wanted to see that I hadn’t abandoned her. The next thing I know she appears with her tights and pants around her ankles asking if I’ll wipe her bum (“NO!”) and then I had to hold down the push tap to keep the water running for her to wash her hands. Then there was no soap. Disaster! “We should have brought the hand appetiser Daddy!” And then to top it off she insisted that I cover both her ears whilst she dried her hands as the blower was too noisy. Obviously that was the moment another parent walked in to find me essentially holding my 5 year old in a headlock whilst shouting loudly to try to explain the difference between appetiser and sanitiser over the noise of the hand dryer. I’ve never left Sainsbury’s quite so quickly!

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

Well, I’m not really sure how to sum up the last 7 days. With the excitement building up all week and preparations well underway for a 5 day Christmas trip north of the border, everything came crashing down last night. Cue an emergency sourcing of a turkey and an awful lot of parcel deliveries as it appears every present in our family is now in the wrong city. Santa will need to act quick to redirect all of the parcels before Friday! But you know what? After the initial disappointment passed, I was able to gain a bit of perspective and realise that we just need to be thankful that we are all still healthy as there are plenty of people in more difficult situations.

So whilst Christmas plans have all changed, my running is the one constant and I’ve now clocked up 100k so far in December. I’ve found it particularly tough this week partly because it was Sharky’s anniversary and I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about him whilst pounding the streets. In a way I have to chuckle as I’m confident he would feel shocked at the profound effect he’s had on me. Me, a runner? Ha! He certainly has a lot to answer for.

It feels like a very deep and meaningful diary entry tonight so I’ve turned to my kids for this week’s top 5 (guaranteed to be a little more light hearted!):

1. E’s school play was recorded on Monday this week and is an absolute sensation. What a great Star #5 she was! We found her Mary costume from last year and donated it to the school as it made far more sense for them to keep it and use it year after year. Whilst they gratefully accepted the donation, they didn’t need the Baby Jesus which came with it and that was actually a bit of a relief as E has formed quite an attachment to him. And so Baby Jesus now has pride of place in her bed and a couple of nights this week I’ve found him being hugged tightly whilst she is asleep. Such is the size of her heart that she’s now asked if Baby Annabelle can stay in my bed. When I asked why, she whispered that she thought Annabelle was getting jealous of Baby Jesus and she didn’t like the thought of that. I can’t wait to see how much Baby Jesus features on Christmas Day…. maybe a cake and a candle for him?

2. Tuesday’s was a day off for Steph so she had some good old mother/son bonding, which included her tidying up while M played in the living room. While she was in the kitchen M brought his advent calendar through to her for another chocolate. He was promptly told no and told to go on his merry way and on his merry way he went. Five minutes later he was back in the kitchen but this time his face was a bit dirty. My distracted wife thought nothing of it and cleaned his face. When she moved the cleaning routine through to the living room she was surprised to find foil wrappers on the floor and just thought the kids had been messy, again, that morning. It wasn’t until she caught him standing on the coffee table reaching into the other advent calendar that they have that she realised he had been at the chocolates!! Luckily by that point only two were gone and he was going for his third and Steph was able to replace one of the days but unfortunately for M there’s now no chocolate for the 22nd December. Strangely E is already aware of this, so I assume she checks the calendar multiple times each day to ensure her chocolate fix is in tact!

3. This week I was asked at short notice by my wife to pick E up from school. No problem, I thought, as actually it’s something I’ve been able to do quite a lot this year and really enjoy surprising her at the school gates. What I didn’t know at that point was that I had to pick my nephew up as well. I mean I haven’t seen him for months, so thought it was a nice addition to my trip out. So I picked up E as normal and walked around to the other gate to collect her cousin. I waved at him, he waved at me but the teacher wasn’t having any of it. “Are you on the approved list of collectors?” she shouted through the fence and I just shrugged and probably looked a bit gormless. There followed a conversation between pupil and teacher she then disappeared off and it turns out was phoning his mum to find out who the strange man trying to pick him up was. It did mean we had to wait around a bit, but actually I’m all for double checking and quite reassured that the school puts pupil welfare first. When he was released into my charge I did ask him what he had said to his teacher when I turned up. Apparently he just said “I do know him, Miss. He’s Aunty Steph’s wife!” No wonder she wasn’t convinced!

4. Earlier in the year I made a comment in this diary that basic washing every day was beginning to slip. It’s amazing how some things have changed, and now I’m having to shower twice each day because of my running. I’ve never been so clean! The problem is that the kids are also loving the shower and so I’m having to remember to lock the bathroom door. I forget one evening this week and the next thing I knew, M had opened the door, opened the shower screen door and climbed in beside me whilst fully dressed. Suddenly E appeared in the bathroom and it looked like she was planning on joining us so I made a rather unmanly noise and think I scared her as she went running off to her bedroom! My little boy didn’t have a clue what he had done wrong but after a bit of stripping I managed to get them both in the shower and they happily started playing puppies. Don’t ask me what that game is all about but it seems to be their favourite thing as they take each other for walkies.

5. We have ended up having quite a busy weekend, including going to see Santa who was walking the streets of the village, and being involved in a number of online quizzes. We therefore couldn’t watch the Strictly final until Sunday morning but that was okay as we avoided social media in the meantime. There’s something lovely about enjoying a light entertainment programme as a family, E sitting on my knee in between dances and M cuddling into his Mammy. These special moments don’t take long to tarnish in this house unfortunately:

“I’m going to pump!”

“Okay…”

“On your leg though. It’s coming. It really is.”

“Just get on with it E.”

“Are you sure Daddy? It’s really coming now and I can’t stop it.”

“Stop making such a song and dance about it. It’ll be over in a second.”

“Okay. If you say so Daddy. It’s coming now. Oh no, it actually a wee. I need to go to the toilet now.”

“Well get off my lap then!!!!!”

Never a dull moment!

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

Only 12 days until Christmas and with the recent combination of Covid-19 and Brexit I’ve decided that watching any form of news is downright bad for my health. Instead I’ve returned to binge watching Netflix in my down time (which seems to be getting less and less). I think it’s what is commonly called escapism although I’m a tad worried I’m already better versed in US political procedure than the English legal system.

I’m delighted to say I’m still on course with my Chilly Challenge and have run 5k every day this month – over 65k so far. There were a couple of really wet ones this week but dodging puddles has just helped me to lengthen my stride. I’m really hoping it doesn’t get any colder, at least until January when everyone else starts their health kicks and I get to put my feet up.

Right, aside from trying to con my kids out of their advent calendar chocolate every morning, what makes this week’s top 5?

1. The biggest news of the week was the posting of the letter to Santa. E has been working on it for quite a while, justifying why she should avoid the dreaded lump of coal as well as sticking in the cut out pictures of her wish list. She even filled in the back on behalf of her little brother to make sure he doesn’t miss out. She was so excited to post it off, but the problem is she is now expecting to receive everything on her list, especially the karaoke machine. Her latest tooth popped out on Monday night so between the tooth fairy this week and Santa the week after next, we really just need to Easter Bunny to arrive a little early to land the hat trick. This is assuming Santa arrives at all – I am sure we will have very well behaved children over the next week and a bit!

2. We haven’t really taken the kids anywhere this year for obvious reasons, so family outings have been few and far between. They have been so lovely with each other and when a kind neighbour offered us spare tickets to the Ushaw College illuminations we decided to jump at the chance. We piled on the layers and donned the welly boots and off we went to trudge through the mud. It was actually a really fun trip out and the kids loved all the lights. We’ve found out since that E has been telling her teacher all about it and convinced her to get some of her own tickets. She apparently described each of the installations but the highlight were the donuts at the end which were highly recommended to Miss H as “not to be missed”! She is so like her father sometimes! They were lush donuts!

3. From a young age we’ve taught M how to high 5. It seemed just a fun thing to do, but the problem is that it is now his default move when we are congratulating him (for competing yet another jigsaw usually). So this week I was looking for a little bit of affection from my son and instead of raising my hand for the usual high 5, I leant in for a kiss. This clearly confused him as that isn’t the normal procedure following jigsaw success so he just lifted his hand and high 5’d my face instead! You can only imagine the look on Steph’s face as she walked into the room to see M crack me one right on the nose. He was certainly just a bit startled by the reaction – I’m a little worried he might associate that reaction with me puckering up (something I am very used to!)

4. The boys had the joy of a trip to the barbers together (matching trims of course) and then a Christmas shopping trip. Meanwhile the girls went for an essential food shop, and that’s when the pineapple chat happened. On the way in Steph asked E what fruit she wanted and as they worked through the list she asked whether she wanted some pineapple. “No thank you, it’s too spiky for me.” Steph corrected her and said “you mean sharp E, that’s the word rather than spiky.” And so they carried on through the fruit and veg aisle when E pointed at a whole pineapple and said “that’s what I mean Mammy, the top is too spiky for my mouth.” I feel we’ve missed a bit of education somewhere along the line if she thinks you eat the whole of a pineapple…

5. This weekend saw the completion of the Christmas decorations, as the girls went around and filled every window with various home crafts of wreaths, nutcrackers and snowflakes. I thought it might buy me a few minutes of peace and quiet (mini me was off trashing another room – out of sight and all that!) so I hid out in the kitchen. The next thing I knew, E bowled in, right into my face and said “Where did you put the effing Santa, Daddy?” I was horrified. I began to lecture her about the use of appropriate language (even when sanitised) but she then interrupted me again. “Don’t worry Daddy, I’ve found them. Here are the Elf and Santa pictures.” I definitely need to get my ears cleaned out!

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

Well, it’s apparently been a week since I last wrote a diary entry, although I have no idea where the last 7 days have gone. E managed to pick up Star of the Week at school (proud Dad, shoehorning that in early) and other than that, it has been a bit of a blur.

The one big decision I made this week, which I am already regretting, was to embark on another running challenge. I mean, why on earth would anyone do that in December? Well, basically I’ve calculated that I normally eat around 18,600 calories on Christmas Day each year and so to burn off those in advance I’m going to try and run a 5k every day in December. Even Christmas Day. And Boxing Day. Which I am definitely not looking forward to! I’m only 6 days in and all of my digits are permanently numb. So apart from running, what’s featured in this hectic week?

1. You may remember that last week’s top 5 began with a comment that the week had not started particularly well. Little did I know that only a few hours after writing that entry, my Monday morning would be yet another disaster! We slept in a little, and I made the fatal mistake of trying to do too much at once to make up some time. On this occasion, my multitasking involved carrying M in one arm to try and get him upstairs and dressed, whilst balancing two hot mugs of tea in the other hand. Now, as I tripped halfway up the stairs I had only a split second to decide what to save. My choices were myself, the hot tea, or my son and I could only pick one. And unlike the grandmother whose video went viral earlier in lockdown, when she saved her glass of Prosecco rather than her grandchild, I decided that M was worth sacrificing everything else for. Of course Steph thought I had dropped him down the stairs when she heard the bang and came running, but instead found me having face planted the carpet with the entire wall dripping in milky tea. M was a little stunned, but still carefully cradled in my arms. Does that make me a super dad or just the same as every other dad out there?

2. As a family we seem to be going through and inordinate amount of milk. This means that occasionally we have to ration the full fat stuff to give us time to get to the shop for some more. E knows that M gets priority over the blue top milk, and one morning this week I pointed out that we were running very low.

E – “Don’t worry Daddy, I can have the green top.”

Me – ”Well it all comes from the same place, doesn’t it?”

A long pause…

E – “So do you mean green top milk comes from bulls rather than cows?”

Now I had to work really hard not to make an inappropriate joke and so tried to deflect the conversation, but ended up talking about where milk comes from for babies. I’m not sure Steph was so keen in my opening that particular line of discussion, as she was cornered later in the day and asked whether she still has milk in her boobies!

3. School continues to be a source of both education and happiness in equal measures for our daughter and she does genuinely love going every day. Sadly we get very little information from her about what her day consisted of but sometimes Twitter posts from her teacher gives us a bit of an insight. This week we found out via social media that they had been working with a worry monster, where they write down things that are worrying them and put them into the monster’s mouth. We were keen to know what was worrying our 5 year old but it turns out we needn’t have been concerned! Apparently she wrote down black widow spiders and pythons. When asked, she explained that she was told they were from Australia and so was worried that (due to my birthplace) I might get bitten and die. I think I’m taking this as a positive if the only thing she is worried about is a hypothetical attack in the UK by a creature indigenous to Australia!

4. One unexpected highlight each week is taking the bins out to the top of our street. This may seem like a mundane and extremely repetitive chore, but my daughter takes great delight in “helping” me with this task. It gives us a few moments just to ourselves to chew the fat. This week was a particularly special wander up, as E really was dragging her feet which led me to ask why she was walking so slowly. I certainly did not expect her reply, “if I walk slowly, it means I get to spend more time with you.” Cue my heart melting! We utilised that special father/daughter time with her explained all about the fact she had fish for lunch. Not like fish in the shop, but dead fish! Can’t wait for next week’s bin day and some insightful chat!

5. Christmas preparations continue to be in full swing in the Low household as this weekend saw the annual trip to purchase our Christmas tree. This is something of a family tradition, including the photograph of the children in the boot of the car with the tree. I am trying to enjoy this whilst it lasts, as I am not convinced they will be so agreeable to the pose when they are teenagers! The nursery was absolutely packed, and to my horror there did appear to be more customers than available trees. We did however eventually manage to find our perfect tree to take home, but not before a piece of wood fell from a pallet, cracking E on the head. I did feel a little sorry for the manager, who noticed as I was filling in the accident form that I was obliged to write down my occupation! The tree is up and dressed, the homemade decorations are in the windows and E is still writing her rather lengthy letter to Santa (more next week on that one, I’m sure!) We are definitely feeling very festive!

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas… Whether it’s the very early Christmas decorations going up everywhere, or the debates up and down the country about who to form a Christmas bubble with (if anyone at all!) As I revealed last week, we are already well into our preparations as a family, including trotting out the regular “you’d better stop that, or you’ll end up with only a lump of coal…” I’m sure Santa wouldn’t be happy at being used as a threat.

I was woken up this morning by my kids bounding into our bedroom shouting that there are only 2 sleeps left until they can start opening their advent calendars. Priorities for a Sunday morning! Shortly after that I overheard E singing happy birthday to herself in the toilet. When I asked why she was singing it she explained she sang it twice whilst she was washing her hands. I’m glad she is remembering the covid essentials! What else has stuck in my mind this week to make the top 5?

1. The week did not start well. Certainly it didn’t for mini me! Now I know that physical punishment is not acceptable in this day and age, and I therefore promise that what happened was a complete accident. After winding up his mammy and daddy all morning, M decided to try and stop a cupboard door from being closed by daddy. Sadly he decided that his nose would be the best tool to use, and the next thing I knew there was blood pouring everywhere. A Frozen plaster seemed to do the trick, or so I thought. He has still taken to telling everyone he has met this week that daddy hurt his nose and I have received some fairly filthy looks. I suppose I should take some comfort from the fact that his personality certainly hasn’t changed!

2. You’ll be pleased to hear that things have gotten better as the week progressed, particularly with the arrival of our new homemade masks from the amazing Anne King. Any day I now pick E up from school, she rolls her eyes and says “you again Spiderman?” It’s a vast improvement on the disposable ones although I do miss the feeling of ripping those off my face when leaving a shop, pretending I’m a top surgeon leaving the operating theatre after a successful surgery. I wonder if I can chum her up to make me a Christmas themed mask? Surely a subtle mention in my public diary will do the trick!

3. The end of the week saw a very important event in my professional life, as I had to attend court, in person, for the first time in nearly 9 months. Over the last 13 years, attending court has very much become a regular feature, as one might expect when choosing a career as a litigation lawyer. Lockdown however has resulted in a huge number of my cases being adjourned, and those that have proceeded have all been by remote means. I was therefore a little surprised to receive notification that my case on Thursday required an attendance. I was even more surprised to discover that I would not be attending my usual court, but rather one of the new Nightingale Courts which have been set up to ensure social distancing. The case itself was very much bread and butter from my perspective, but did feature a significant challenge in the form of having to actually pick out a suit, shirt and tie for the first time since March. I can report that the only thing that still fits is the tie!

4. I was very excited this weekend to be asked by E to help her with writing her Christmas cards for her school friends. We have been given very specific instructions by the school to ensure that the cards are Covid secure, including a no licking rule! We even had received a full class list to ensure correct spelling for the names of all the children, and I thought that it would be a fairly swift process to simply get her to write out the cards. How wrong can one man be! The actual writing of the cards was fairly straightforward, but I had not appreciated that she had decided to draw a picture on the inside of each and everyone. This was no generic picture however, perhaps of Santa or a reindeer, but rather a bespoke picture for each person in her class, connected in some way to their favourite things. There were football pictures and group portraits and we have only made it to halfway by the end of the weekend! My favourite was for one boy where she seem to be struggling to identify what the picture should include. I asked what she was thinking of and she said, “roadblocks”. I looked quizzically at her, and she simply said “you know daddy, roadblocks. I don’t know what it is but he talks about it a lot.”

5. Now those of you who know me very well will know that I am not necessarily a “manly man” and therefore the concept of carrying out DIY jobs strikes fear into me, and perhaps most importantly my wife. It’s not that the enthusiasm is not there, but the ability to execute is sadly lacking and therefore it is usually safer for all involved if someone else comes in to carry out the work. Lockdown has given me an opportunity to try and remedy this, and as a result of my wife’s plans to convert the garage, my main task this weekend was to finish clearing it out, including trips to the tip (how much more manly can you get?) and then painting the garage floor. For many husbands and fathers, this would be a fairly easy and straightforward project however I very much viewed it as my own personal Everest. To my immense surprise, I have managed to ascend to the summit with minimal issues (the only one being leaving my phone on the windowsill when I finished, meaning I couldn’t get to it without stepping on the wet floor!) Steph is, of course, delighted, but inevitably concerned that I will start getting a little cocky about undertaking future projects. I have reassured her that this is highly likely to be a one off, as I do not want to push my luck!

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

I’m starting this week with a bit of Greek mythology. Anyone who knows about the story of Sisyphus will understand when I say this week has very much been about rolling a stone up a hill in a seemingly never ending cycle. And of course despite all the hard work, I feel as if I have achieved absolutely nothing!

But then on reflection, it turns out that we have managed to celebrate a birthday, continue putting up the Christmas decorations, E has moved up a level on her reading, and M is winning at nursery! What more am I really expecting for a week in 2020? Today also sees us hit the 250th day since I started my diary. Why does time fly when you’re having fun?! Anyway, on with this week’s top 5:

1. The week started with the marking of a very special day – Steph’s birthday. Now, many of us have had to endure a birthday during lockdown this year, and will understand how difficult it can be to make your special day…well…special! We did try our best, as Daddy and E set about making a lemon drizzle cake (gorgeous so clearly beginner’s luck!) and a huge number of parcels arrived from the Amazon delivery driver, strangely all of which seemed to require some form of ID, which I later found out guaranteed that each and every parcel contained some form of gin-based product. Not only did I manage to sort out the day off work, but also surprised Steph with a delivered afternoon tea, which was very scrumptious indeed! We had some party food on the evening with the kids, sang happy birthday and generally made sure that the day was marked in some way. Granted, it may not have been a trip to New York, but such things are so 2019!

2. I’ve realised this week just how astute children can be, no matter how young. I’ve also realised that somehow we have ended up with two pretty emotionally mature kids who show a lot of care of kindness to others. They seem to realise when someone else is feeling low, and are generous with their hugs and smiles! M has developed a real attachment to E’s favourite doll, Annabelle, and now won’t sleep without her. This was causing conflict so we had little option but to purchase Alexander (Annabelle’s brother) who arrived yesterday and he already absolutely adores! It seems to be the only toy he doesn’t throw around and loves giving him his bottle. He has also started giving a lot of cuddles to his Mammy and at one point was snuggled in with her and his sister whilst I was all alone on the other couch. “Don’t worry Daddy,” said E “you can just cuddle yourself.” I’m just hoping it’s my turn next week!

3. On Tuesday Steph and M went for a little walk after dropping E off at school. After the walk they popped to the shop to pick up a couple of things (essential items of course). M ended up with his own bag to carry, inside was two magazines, a fruit shoot and a large chocolate bar. He was so pleased to have his very own bag to carry and wouldn’t let Steph help, even when it was dragging along the floor! While walking back to the car Steph heard a clunk; the fruit shoot had fallen out of the bottom of the bag. Steph picked it up and popped it into her bag, checked M’s bag and noticed there was a small hole so thought nothing about it and just continued. They continued along to the car, with M still refusing to give up his very own bag. Once they got back to the car Steph checked the bag again and low and behold the chocolate bar was gone! The tears and tantrum when this was discovered seemed a bit extreme to me, but I eventually managed to calm her down!

4. Now this weekend has been another chance for Steph to provide a list of chores, although for a change only one thing featured on the list – tidying out the garage! I genuinely did try my best, and even managed a tip run which was pretty horrific, given how long the queue is to actually get into the tip. One benefit however was finding certain long forgotten boxes in the back corner, one of which contained her cocktail fountain! It didn’t take long to agree that it needed a run out, and Saturday night therefore ended up being a rather raucous affair including me parading around in my kilt and sporran on a zoom call. Oops! At one very strange point Steph shoved her fingers under my nose and said those immortal words, “sniff my fingers!” I turned my nose up in disgust, of course, but unfortunately did not realise that she had just put out the new reed diffuser she received for her birthday, and was asking my genuine opinion on the fragrance. I really do need to trust her a little more than I trust myself!

5. We finish with a verbatim record of the conversation in the car on the way home from school on Friday:

“So what did you have for lunch today, E?”

“Well guess Daddy. What do I always have on a Friday?”

“Fish?”

“What kind of fish Daddy?”

“Fish fingers?”

“And what else Daddy?”

“Chips?”

“And what else Daddy?”

“Peas?”

“Yes that right!”

“And did you eat the peas?”

“No! Of course not Daddy. I hate peas. But D didn’t eat hers either. We are food sisters!”

“What are food sisters?”

“We love all the same food and we hate all the same food so we eat all the same food.”

It was only at this point that I realised that for a long time now my food sister has been a pig!

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

A wet and windy autumnal weekend to finish yet another week in lockdown 2.0. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel meeting up with people when this is all finally over, as I’m learning to enjoy only the company of my nearest and dearest a tad too much!

Regular readers will be relieved to know there there have been no poo related incidents this week. Oh, except for E getting some on her hand this afternoon and shouting for me to come and sort it out because “it smells”! I mean parenthood just keeps on giving, doesn’t it? But a week full of Zoom meetings was broken up a little by the odd bit of light relief so they had to make it into my latest top 5:

1. I think it’s completely understandable that this year has led to heightened emotions, with lots of people on edge. No one is immune and we all need to be kinder to each other. I do worry about kids in particular. Including my own. We had a complete meltdown from E at the start of the week and we couldn’t understand why. She was sat in the kitchen and just burst into tears and it broke our hearts. Through the sobs we managed to work out why she was upset. She had asked “Is it Easter tomorrow?” And when we said no, she was adamant we’d missed Easter completely and this was a cause of intense and genuine anguish. Now I thought it may have had something to do with Jesus and her RE lessons at school, but actually she just didn’t want to miss out on any chocolate eggs as she calmed down when she was reassured she would be getting some chocolate reindeer next month instead.

2. It’s been very easy in 2020 to fall into a very repetitive and uninteresting routine. Day after day we spend mornings and evenings with the kids getting them ready either for school and nursery or for bed. There isn’t much to break up the monotony. But the saving grace is breakfast. I mean we all know that it’s the most important meal of the day, and don’t my kids know it! Can they decide each morning what to have? It’s a constant battle, as things they have always loved suddenly are no longer acceptable. This week’s request from nowhere was for chocolate weetabix. Now they had that about a year ago but, for no apparent reason, it was the only thing they would eat. Shame we only had plain, boring, normal weetabix. So I chucked some dark chocolate chips over the top, whilst patting myself for being creative. E wolfed it down but then told me it was a bit bitter. I didn’t mind however as she then asked what bitter meant! Everyone’s a critic these days!

3. The wee lad has had yet another fantastic week including an unexpected trip to beach. Who goes and builds sandcastles in November I hear you ask? A hardy Low is the answer! One of his favourite activities this year has been collected pine cones whenever he sees them, but sadly there weren’t any on the beach so he brought home stones instead. He loves filling his pockets with his collection and apparently every time his nursery class goes outside, he begins by searching for any pine cones. The only negative to this is the fact we keep finding sparkly clean pine cones in the bottom of the washing machine. Daddy really needs to check his jacket pockets before throwing it into the machine!!

4. This weekend saw a lot of birthday celebrations, most of which have had to be remote. We started with Grandad on Friday with a kid/grandkid video call, complete with birthday cake and candles in each house. E took control of the blowing out here, which I was fine with as I really don’t mind globs of spittle all over my chocolate cake. Saturday night featured an in law birthday quiz over Zoom and I’ve definitely never experienced anything like it! Pink was the theme and the cocktails were in full flow. I shouldn’t be offended that I was called Irish, and indeed take as a compliment we were asked to join a sequel next Saturday but only if I promised to wear my kilt. I can only hope that Steph’s birthday next week carries as much excitement!

5. The biggest news of the week was definitely the start of the big Christmas build up. Now, I’ve always been a 1st December guy, and have managed to rein in my wife’s Christmas excitement until at the least the final calendar month. But 2020 is getting a special status and even my usual rules are being thrown out of the window! I just hope she doesn’t think this sets a precedent. M decided he was desperate for matching pink and blue trees for their bedrooms and so here we are, in the middle of November, with two trees up complete with baubles. E has already been making her Christmas cards and we cracked into the Christmas movies yesterday too. I might live to regret a six week build up, but am not regretting the M&S party food and mince pies which have already found pride of place. I really do love Christmas!!

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

I write this week’s diary entry with a melted heart as we have just watched the Fenwick’s Christmas window reveal (virtually) as a family and the kids spent the whole time transfixed and waving at the Santas. They really are at such a cute age and I don’t care what restrictions are in place – I know Christmas 2020 is going to be really special.

After the excitement and adventures of last week, the return to normality brought us down with a bump. Of course it coincided with the new stricter rules coming into force which has meant exactly no change for our usual routine given how reclusive we’ve become. The only real blessing has been that there has been no excrement in the bath or shower this week. We worked out that if we don’t wash the kids, the risk of a repeat reduces to nil. Another parenting win!

Right, here we go with the top 5 for the week:

1. We had to get back into E’s school routine pretty quick after half term. Now, E is definitely not the fastest at getting ready in the morning but boy is she quick to blame everyone else if anything goes wrong. Sadly not all of the family had raised their game and so Mammy was in the firing line. On Monday she forgot to put E’s pencil case in her bag. Not content with that, on Tuesday she put her in the wrong jumper, as we had mistakingly believed that the requirement to take a jumper for “Street Games” wasn’t limited to school jumpers only. It went from bad to worse on Wednesday when she forgot to make sure E had her glasses on when she dropped her off. This culminated with E saying on Wednesday “Come on Mammy. Let’s try and have a good day tomorrow.” She didn’t, of course, and forgot the Poppy money on Thursday!

2. I’m writing my second highlight very carefully as discussing a lady’s weight on a public forum usually is guaranteed to end in disaster. Basically my good lady wife mentioned to me that she had been on the scales and weighed xxx and four quarters. I can see now that bursting out into laughter was never going to go down well, especially as it took rather a long time for her to realise what she had said. A slip of the tongue apparently! Now this was a few days ago and it’s still making me chuckle – a marriage full of laughter has got to be a good thing!

3. Fireworks definitely have split the family, as Steph is really not a big fan whilst E absolutely loves them. M just doesn’t seem bothered either way. E wanted to help me take the bins out on Thursday evening to see if we could see any, and she certainly wasn’t disappointed. They were going off in every direction and she was making all the usual “ooh” and “aaah” noises. It was lovely just having the two of us spend some quality time in the freezing cold trying to spot some flashes of colour behind the neighbouring houses. I took the opportunity to have a secret chat about Steph’s upcoming birthday and try and get some present ideas. The best E came up with was a firework(!) or perhaps some gin. She clearly knows her Mammy so well!

4. The love of Strictly continues in the Low household, with the kids wangling a late night so they can see as much of the live show as possible. E is obviously very taken by the dancing and the outfits and insists on joining in with her own dance routines. I just wish she wouldn’t do it right in front of the tv! M is more interested in the scoring and loves shouting out the numbers as the paddles are held up. Can you imagine when someone receives a 10?! E’s only frustration is Craig Revel Horwood and she tuts every time he provides some constructive criticism. “He’s a cheeky one” is the usual line she trots out. Who is this girl?

5. We finish with the biggest news of the week as it’s hard to ignore the huge and hard fought election. I have also now heard first hand about the rather sinister vote rigging that was going on earlier in the week. Now, don’t get me wrong, the US Presidential election was quite a big deal, but I am referring to the Year 1 class councillor election. Now, how you expect to be able to get a group of 5 and 6 year olds to vote in a meaningful way is beyond me, but my ambitious daughter has revealed that she entered into a pact with some friends to each vote for the other. I suspect that all they achieved was cancelling out each other and paced the way for someone else to romp home to victory. Such is politics, and I’ve reassured her that her teacher was perfectly entitled to count every vote cast and not just stop at the point she was ahead.

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

•